it's been a while.

i never thought that day would come. but it did. it was frightening. my last three days of airing. grr.

***

much to my enjoyment, i was recently hailed as the new department chairman for mass communications, after graduating from my masterate at BSU (although the registrar has yet to release my TOR). i start on may 2.

but it wasn't the cabinet cleaning or the turn-over of files that bothered me when i received the text message from arex (the college secretary); i was faced with the fact that i might not air EVER again.

hell froze over. today is my last day of airing.

***

thursday and friday, my airings were passé. as if things were going to turn out okay. i had just finished off the last of the bull sessions with the kids, have started planning for the welcome party, and have taken time to go out with friends. all was supposed to be well.

friday everning comes, i had no sweldo. that was the start of it.

***

when i got into the station today, it sank in.
today was my last day to air. EVER.

i did the program as usual - campus almusal. a few minor glitches, and some hang-ups but generally the program went on smoothly. four minutes before i said adieu, i thanked everyone who became a part of my life for the past four years at the campus radio - the batches of djs, the listeners, the food house, everyone.

the minute i slid back the channel for my mic, i burst into tears. finally, it sank - deep. i was leaving the radio. for good. i didn't let go of the mic stand for a good three minutes. i just held on to it, crying.

four years working on something where you've put heart and soul, sweat and lotsa time, laughter and even more tears; it all sank in. i cried so hard, the kids (aries, sydney and apollo) started crying as well. i knew i had to be strong for them, but i couldn't stop crying...

i just couldn't.

***

for everyone who has become part of my radio career (if there was any) for the past four years of the campus radio, thank you. i bid goodbye with a heavy heart, but with a lot of aspiration, hoping the all will be well... for everyone.

thank you.

i don't know how to describe
what i'm feeling right now.
i'm sad.
very, i guess.
i've been eating since this morning
but to no avail.
my body feels so heavy.
i'm dragging myself.
i just want to sink - vanish - somewhere people won't see me.
no air, no light. no love, i guess.
she's going somewhere. without me.
i'm scared. afraid. longing. doubtful?
i don't know.
i'm just plain stupid.
that's what i am.
plain, freakin' stupid.

sometimes i feel shitty.
tonight, i do.

we've been arguing
over lotsa things
since early last week
till this week.

wednesday night,
we started the squabble
over a hking activity.
she told me i made her feel
she wasn't my priority.
that i left her out of the picture.
it wasn't true, of course.
i planned everything out because
i wanted to spend the night
with her.

thursday morning,
we went to seven churches.
the day was tiring.
but i enjoyed.
at the end of the day,
my mom made a dark comment.
she went home sadder than ever.

friday morning,
there was a mix-up over
whether she was taking me to a trip
to the orchard or not.
we ended up with me walking
from the bustop back home.

saturday, we met up
but it still felt sad.
at least we saw each other.

sunday, the usual sunday mass.
felt good.

monday, tuesday;
these went by as regular days.
no squabble there.

wednesday night- tonight,
we fought over a day & night cream.
and me being disappointed over
a disapproved activity for my work.
i felt like she was not supportive enough.
she felt the chill; she had to retaliate.
i felt the cold steel lunge into my heart
and it stayed there.

until now.
i'm hurting.
darn it.

the Lord planned this to happen.
i am not entitled to total happiness
not even for one lousy day.

three days ago i was more than frantic over graduation day. it was so close, yet felt so far away. the follwoing events explain the reason why:

LATE LAST YEAR
there was a buzz over the rise and fall of BSU president ernesto de chavez. people were questioning his abilities to continue on with the presidency even in the presence of a new board of regents who was supposed to handle corporate management.

through the faculty and student regents, in assitance of several administrative officials, faculty and students, a series of silent and not-so-silent protests were made during the course of the first quarter of 2006. these culminated into the "throwing out" of de chavez from the presidency january.

but who told you it was over? a little over early february till the middle of march, "estong" was back in the president's office after getting a new TRO, now from a legit lawyer - he happens to belong to the same law firm as arroyo's lawyer.

LATE LAST WEEK
i was starting to think that i might not graduate at all. i was actually caught in the middle - at one end of the rope stood my adviser, prof. rachel DE CHAVEZ-evangelio. yes. she is the eldest daughter (i think) of estong. pulling the other end of the quagmire rop was prof. cynthia manalo - mother of devcom at bsu, my mentor and sometimes, professional confidant.

i was right in the middle of a crossfire whose casualties were students who were left half-dead by bullets of rivalry, point-of-views, and professional/personal intentions. i did not know how to react to what they wanted me to do.

up to the point that i had to have my final draft signed, these two personalities would hardly look, lest talk to each other. just this once, i thought, i could be a means to bridge a gap. lil' ol' me never learned anything from devcom concepts - never be messiahnic. darn it.

EARLY THIS WEEK
i was in a conundrum of wether or not i would graduate. the night before graduation i texted my adviser. my exact words:

mam, pag may nanggulo sa graduation ko
papatay ako ng tao. walang biro.
i have waited for this for so long.
ayokong mabulilyaso ito.

she aptly replied, saying that things'll be ok. that she wouldn't let the demons hovering over me get the best of me and the graduation. i told her i had complete faith in her. that i held on to until graduation day.

THIS MORNING
i was walking along the paved pathways of batangas city, on my way to BSU, when i felt butterflies making their way to my stomach. i was starting to shake like hell. needless to say, i was nervous. the night before i thought i would be the only person to graduate; but i told myself, no matter what, i'll march.

the moment i entered the university gates, i was in awe when i saw the students who lined up for graduation. I WASN'T ALONE. the butterflies were toast; they got digested.

when the parade started (a little over two hours after ETA), i was teary-eyed when i entered the gymnasium. mind you, i didn't even bother to when i graduated from my undergrad. but this was different. what i went through for my master's was more difficult. four years in graduate school for a lousy piece of paper rolled up into a cylinder and tied with a white piece of ribbon. damn, i loved the feeling. it was like taking a second degree. that's why it felt so good.

11am. i graduated.
finally.
and with little time to spare.