it's the holidays. joyeux noel to everyone.
a smiley is in order :)

***
a couple of weeks back, during my first EdD class at PLM, a classmate of miine reported on educational stats. one that struck me was the data on the increasing underachievement among boys in the elementary and secondary levels here in the country.

almost a three-thirds of the girls in a graders class would pursue high school, and more than half of them would graduate from college (they comprising the total 15% of those who actualy finish a 4-year degree in tertiary school); more women also went to graduate school.

i raised a question during the class. "i have nothing against women/girl power," i started. "but what is the overly achieving female population doing to help the underachieving male?" there was silence for a bit, and then sparks flew for a while.

i'm starting to think that with the way things are going, maybe in a future not to far away, when people people start talking about gender sensitivity, they would refer to men.

***
i was on my way home from a party, and the bus passed by a group of indigents who were engaged in mendicancy in the city i worked for. they were quite a bunch - kids, fathers, mothers, aunts and uncles, cousins, grandfolks, etc. the whole darn nine yards.

when i got to SM, i saw the queue of people at the counters, the bustle of people waiting for their turns at the ATMs, smiles and woes after getting the 13th month pay.

and i started wondering - people at work were becoming sarcastic over a delayed 13th month pay, clamoring that that supplies at the malls were wiped out, and that they were not given the opportunity to enjoy the benefits that the law mandated them to have... in front of me were people drastic to buy a shirt, a pair of shoes, a rubber duckie. outside, there were people who barely knew what a fresh-off-the-mint P500 bill felt like - people who were sometimes recruited and used by syndicates to do their mendicancy bidding - FILIPINOS who were second, third, fourth, nth class citizens in their own country.

as intoxicating as christmas can get in the philippines, we sometimes forget that it's not all about the gifts. it's not all about the hustle and bustle... f***, in the spirit of christmas we forget we even have spirits.

it's just shoes, toys, food, drinks, and a couple of Mangyans and Badjaos eagerly waiting for a peso outside the glass windows. that's christmas Pinoy style. don't you just love how we mess things up and make it into a tradition?

***
SPEAKING of gender sensitivity, i'm starting to feel like it's not just the men who ask for double standards.

when a man and a woman ride a bus, for example, and only one vacant seat is left, women expect that the man would give way and let HER take the seat. she wouldn't say it outrightly, but if the guy takes the seat, sub-vocally she bad-mouths the dude.

so, women expect men to be gentlemen, guys of valor. women should be given seats, held open doors for, what have you. BUT, women should also be treated as equals - in business, in politics, in education. how come then, that when a woman rides a bus or takes a cab, and a guy rushes towards the seat or grabs the taxi door first, women say an awful lot of things, when well in fact men are JUST treating them equally?

THAT is how men are. cut-throat, vicious, unforgiving. how can a separate standard be set for another? i paraphrase from dr. paragas from a recent communication convention i attended with the kids - there has to be the same metrics for all.

***
i was recently elected as a board member for the philippine association of communication educators. it is my first time to become a trustee for a national organization. f***, my head blew away.

we had the first official BOT meeting and christmas fellowship last december 20. i had to miss the institutional party to make way for the board meeting.

the BOT meeting was held at the home of the immediate past president in ayala heights in QC. i was a massive structure with a 15-foot ceiling, lovely christmas decor, and a troupe of smiling faces.

the meeting went on from 4.30pm till 12 midnight. during the break, we had a mass officiated by a Jesuit priest, who happened to be the first president of the organization (quite frankly, it was the most solemn mass i had ever attended - probably because there wasn't more than 20 people in the garden where the mass was held). at one pont, our host led a chorale into the gardens and had them serenade us with christmas songs. we had coffee afterwards and then continued with the meeting.

***
while i was at the market this morning, i stopped by the meat shop i usually bought meat from. while waiting for the pork to be chopped, two kids - mendicants - approached me. i have a rule in giving alms, mind you. i tell myself, "i can earn the money i give away in just a few minutes. i need not mind whichever they intend to use the money." not very devcom-ish, i know (since devcom "teaches people to fish, instead of giving them fish), but i pulled out a P5 coin out of my coin purse and handed it over to the little guy whose palm was being raised at me by the apparent sister.

to my surprise, the older of the two raised her palm in front of me and said, "ang sa akin, nas'an? (where's mine?)" i told her i already gave P5 since they apparently were together. she smirked and said, "hindi, magkaiba yun. asan yung sa'kin? (no, that's different. where's mine?"

i graciously declined (my first this year), and walked away. as i walked home, i felt bad. i could've just pulled out another peso and gave it to the girl - but i didn't. i felt there was something wrong with how things were.

people blame the badjaos and the other indigents for the culture that they have - nomadic, lack of concern for hygiene, easily duped, etc. but we faile to realize, everything that's happening is OUR fault - the rich, the educated, the greedy, the city dwellers. it IS our fault.

***
it's the holidays.
be safe. hey.

i've turned sober.
i think.

***
the past few days, i've grown from weary to relaxed to nonchalant over the things that are unfolding. i'm starting to hate myself, again (that's why i hate being sober...from work). it's like i have no control over everything - i've let go; i don't have direction.

i've grown reckless.

***
a friend recently told me about odesk.com. it's a website for providers of work - the most menial of tasks to the most technical.

i took the qualifying test five times (much to my dismay). i qualified for the readiness test, and passed two more skills tests to boost my profile.

i have yet to get some work (i was turned down once). grr.

***
my daughter's birthday is coming up - january 6. we're planning to hold the party at McDonald's uptown. we're inviting just a couple of people. times are hard; i don't have a lot of budget for it.

***
my brother might be coming home from singapore within the week. his bid to find a secured working permit in the merlion city has faltered. that's like 50-grand going down the drain, a house leased without paperwork, and us sleeping on the sidewalk if things become worse.

***
i am so tired of everything, right now. o hope i can find some time to rest.
for my soul, for my heart. for my loved-ones, for my concept of reality.

life is starting to piss me off.
and my mind is so complicated right now.
totally.

***
hey.