walang batas na nagsasabing bawal magmahal ng dalawa.
- Vilma Santos, MANO PO 3

honestly,
things are looking up for me.
in some ways, i guess.
i found that there are a lot of wayward souls,
as i am,
out there.
that a lot of us are looking
for sanctuary in the arms of
people who are total strangers,
but are facsimiles of each.
funny.
all the while i thought
i was alone;
instead, i found
myself
surrounded by others
whose eyes seek also
that which i seek;
and whose lips are sealed
by fate that i used
to craddle.

Weren't you the one that said
That you don't want me anymore
And how you need your space
And give the keys back to your door
And how I cried and tried and tried
To make you stay with me
But still you said that love was gone
And that I had to leave
Now you, talkin' bout a family
Now you, sayin' I complete your dream
Now you, sayin' I'm your everything
You confusin' me
What you say to me
Don't play with me
Don't play with me

Cause what goes around, comes around
What goes up, must come down
Now who's cryin', desirin' to come back to me
What goes around, comes around
What goes up, must come down
Now who's cryin', desirin' to come back

I remember when
I was sittin' home alone
Waitin' for you
Til' 3 o'clock in the morn
And when you came home, you'd always have some sorry excuse.
And explainin' to me, like I'm just some kinda fool
I sacrifice the things I want to and do things for you
But when it's time to do for me, you never come through
Now you, wanna be a bond of me (eyyy)
Now you, have so much to say to me (heyy)
Now you, wanna make time for me
What you do to me
You confusin me
Don't play with me
Don't play with me

Cause what goes around, comes around
What goes up, must come down
Now who's cryin', desirin' to come back to me
What goes around, comes around
What goes up, must come down
Now who's cryin', desirin' to come back

I remember when
I was sittin home alone
Waitin for you
Til 3 o'clock in the morn
Night after night
Knowin sumthing goin on
Wasn't home befo me
You was, you was gone
Lord knows it wasn't easy, but believe me
Never thought you'd be the one that would deceived me
And never do wha u was supposed to do
No need to hose me fool, cause I'm ova you

Cause what goes around, comes around
What goes up, must come down
Now who's cryin', desirin' to come back to me
What goes around, comes around
What goes up, must come down
Now who's cryin', desirin' to come back

It's called Karma baby
And it goes around.
What goes around, comes around
What goes up, must comes down
Now who's cryin, desirin to come back to me

KARMA
alicia keys

i was supposed to put a downloaded short story of a Norwegian display-window artist here, but i found that it was too much for me to bear.
dammit.
today, i discovered i am a conservative with neoclassical values.

hey.

true love is not variable;
it lasts forever.

today is my
red letter day
how i scrambled anxiously
looking for this
grabbing for that
making sure things
were okay.

today is my
yahoo-i'm-okay day
with streets paved
with frantic people
and minds more messed up
with woes and tears
apprehensions and jeers
what littlest mouse
can reject the season?

today is my
red letter day;
spaghetti and rice cakes
bread and agua.
spoons and forks,
smiles and steaks;
wht happiness lies
in today's red letters.

i'm glad they smiled
at her today;
accepted things and
offered more.
i'm happy they cheered,
today of all days -
my red letter day.

pinch me, i must be dreaming... *pinch pinch* not there, aight? :p
i'm here. hey.

yup, i'm back online. two blogs in a day. this is how bored i am today. i uploaded some new pictures in my other accounts. i hope the people in my clique like how i look. i'm not a looker, you know. just a guy with a big... heart.
i left the house this evening because i couldn't bear looking at my mother. i wasn't comfortable with the fact that i was sharing the same roof as she did. i guess i'm still mad at her.
a friend of a friend wrote this bulletin over at friendster. i hope he doesn't mind i posted it here.

Like Venus, the goddess
Fragile and innocent
Wildflowers I offer
In her sacred altar
In solitude of holy prayer
I lose my kingly sanity
Entwined in confession
I sweat with desire
Look at me so
I may be justified
Naked and bare
For you.

LOOK AT ME
zhi heng

sometimes, when we bare our souls to people we get two initial reactions: (a) this guy's freakin' crazy! why's he telling me these things?!; and (b) what the?!
it ain't easy bearing your soul to other people. you just aren't sure if that's the right thing to do. we will never know whether or not people are sincere when they listen to you. that's the scary part.

opening the link
i found you;
lips clasped intensely
with his.
your eyes,
i first saw. intense
drama flickering.
i believed you have
bounced; and he
has accepted to be
pounced at.
i'm wond'ring why
i even bother to talk
about it.
it's none of my business
now; you're happy.
so am i - seemingly;
but it hurts.

when i scrambled to see
how he looked like
i had things running
inside my head; assuming
through your descriptions
i found,
was something i should
not have done.
opening the link,
i saw him; smiling
at me, jesting
me; he has someone
i have no more. the vampire
has won.

closing the page,
as you did while giving
him fire, i shuddered;
dammit, i miss
kissing you. sitting amongst
all the other drones
linked to the comb,
i stared blankly
at the screen; you were now
a convert - once a lycan
now turned into a vampire;
and loving every moment
of it - in his arms,
his breath against your neck
his eyes staring, glaring
staring at you everytime
you made love since
three months is up,
and you've bounced.

gotta go. email me aight? hey..

CC: wawa naman u po. e2 pabwenas... mwah!
ER: day after christmas, and im stil sick. wish u wer hir
CC: ano b gnwa mo at nagkakasakit u?
ER: went to an overnyt seminr, nilamg me, i guess
CC: heheh drink plenty of fluids... take ur meds. take tym to rest also
ER: wala b gudnyt kis?
CC: hahaha gagu! :) chancing na yan ha! ehehehe cg na nga... mwah! o ayan, dapat magaling k n bukas...

somewhere there's a stream,
looking for a river;
somewhere there's a dreamer,
looking for his dream.

>ACCOMPLISHMENTS FOR THIS CHRISTMAS BREAK (you'd think there aren't any)<
1
had my first communion in three years. usually i take communion only during the last mass of the MISA DE GALLLO. for three years, i haven't gone to mass at christmas eve. yesterday, the gf asked me to partake communion with her. i obliged.

2
got to chat with my ninang's belgian bf. i found out that he was an intelligent man; that belgium has a moslem insurgency problem; that europeans have a tendency to be thrifty; that they love the summer season; that he's a close friend of jean claude van damme.

3
ate more than my body weight this christmas break.

today's got to be an extension of the really rotten days of christmas that i have been having for the past few days. this morning, while i meticulously checked papers, my dad and my brother got into a word fight - partly, twas my brother's fault since he was acting lazy again.
at the end of the word fight, my dad uttered something i wasn't prepared to hear: AKALA BA NG MGA 'YAN IPAGLULUTO KO PA SILA?! ANLALAKI NYO NA, BAHALA KAYONG MAGUTOM, TUTAL PALAMUNIN LANG KAYONG LAHAT!
and right then and there, my respect for my dad (a meager 20%) plummeted to about -30.
last night it was my mom's turn to piss me off. she was insinuating that my gf's folks were pressuring me to get married. hah! not now. got no dough yet.

I was six years old
When my parents ran away
I was stuck inside a broken life
I couldn't wish away
She was beautiful
She had everything and more
And my escape was hiding out and running for the door

Somebody listen please
It used to be so hard being me
Living in the shadow
Of someone else's dream
Trying to find a hand to hold but every touch felt cold to me
Living in a nightmare
A never-ending sleep
But now that I am wide awake
My chains are finally free
Don't feel sorry for me

All the days collided
One less perfect than the next
I was stuck inside someone else's life and always second best
Oh, I love you now 'cause now I realize
That it's safe outside to come alive in my identity

So if you're listening
There's so much more to me you haven't seen
Living in the shadow
Of someone else's dream
Trying to find a hand to hold but every touch felt cold to me
Living in a nightmare
A never-ending sleep
But now that I am wide awake
Then I can finally see
Don't feel sorry-

Mother, sister, father, sister, mother
Everything's cool now
Mother, sister, father, sister, mother
Everything's cool now
Oh, my life is good
I've got more than anyone should
Oh, my life is good
And the past in the past

I was living in the shadow
Of someone else's dream
Trying to find a hand to hold but every touch felt cold to me
I'm living in a new day
I'm living it for me
And now that I am wide awake
Then I can finally be
Don't feel sorry for me
Don't feel sorry, don't feel sorry for me(2x)

Living in, living in, living in the shadow
Living in, living in, living in a new day

SHADOWS
ashlee simpson

funny 'cause when you look at how my christmas "vacation" is turning out, i'm having the worst ever! dammit. 'hope i don't start hating christmas all over again.
i'm still here. hey.

the entire sum of existence
is the magic of being needed
by just one person.

THOUGHTS FOR THE DAY...
1
i am not defined by my abilities alone.

2
huwag kang pasaway. please. walang away.

3
it is only by being unconscious and stubborn
that we become poets (McNair).

4
we will all be forgotten
the way fire forgets coal.

5
sex is not a sin
if you enjoy it.

'having a very shitty christmas eve morning. last night, after i took a bath and was preppin' up for sleep, i received a text message from the gf - she was screwed up. ask why. yup. 'cause of me.

turns out a couple of the neighbors and relatives saw us WALKING WHILE HOLDING HANDS. and at this day and age, guess what? people from that freakin' place still consider that as a mortal sin! f*** tham all. i hope they all burn in hell.

i was on a rampage. i was even crying over it this morning. what do they think of us? a bunch of 15-year old school kids going out in the world with newly-discovered puberty powers and tryng out which plug slides into which slot?! f*** them all.

the gf wants to not see each other till the 26th. she thinks that'll help. yah, right. i think the people in their place are the ones who need help. professional help. f*** them all (my apologies if "f*** them all" is starting to become this blog's rhythmic pattern).

needless to say, i AM pissed off. went by my ninang's pad, had breakfast with her topless bf, and went here to blow off some steam. man, this has got to be the worst christmas ever. f*** them all.

***

i'm off to a friend's place this afternoon to grab lunch, and take a sip. bahala na. a friend of mine decided to call it quits with his bf. he might drop by later tonight.

It doesn't really matter now you're gone
You never were around that much to speak of
Didn't think that I could Live without you, baby
It couldn't be that hard to live alone

But I'm all, all alone again
Thinking you will never say
that you'll be home again

And it's gonna be a long night
And it's gonna be cold without your arms
And it's gonna be get stage fright caught
in the headlights
And it's gonna be a long night
And I know I'm gonna lose this fight

Once upon a time we fell in love
And I thought that I would be the only one

But now I'm on, I'm on my own again
Thinking you will never show
that won't be home again

And it's gonna be a long night
And it's gonna be cold without your arms
And it's gonna be get stage fright caught
in the headlights
And it's gonna be a long night
And I know I'm gonna lose this fight

Lost in your arms baby,
Lost in your arms

Now I'm all on my own again
Thinking you will never show
that won't be home again

And it's gonna be a long night
And it's gonna be cold without your arms
And it's gonna be get stage fright caught
in the headlights
And it's gonna be a long night
And I know I'm gonna lose this fight
I'm gonna get stage fright, cought in the headlights

It's gonna be a long night
And I know I,m gonna lose this fight
I,m lost in your arms baby
Lost in your arms

LONG NIGHT
the corrs

i'll probably blog some more in a bit. gonna check out my mail.
catch you later. hey.

ER: i had no right to pry. my bad. you're right. it's none of my business anymore. sorry.
FT: you're beyond sorry. you never learn.
ER: i guess you're right.

i haven't had any sleep yet. yesterday, raven invited me to co-facilitate a recollection for her classmates at SHERCON in mataas-na-kahoy. 'tales was the main facilitator of the event. please, brows down.

the night went on okay. a friend of mine even dropped by to ask if he could swim with us. he came in too early in the night. the kids were just starting with the activities.

the day before that i was stuck in manila, fixing some papers in varied embassies in makati, and found myself listening to a bunch of friends talking about FIRST QUADRANT (i'm planning to join). i got homw at around 2am. i stood in the bus from alabang to lipa. dammit.

today, coming from the recollection thing, i rushed home, took a quick bath, and went to batangas to fix some papers and get some money for my gf's mom. undeniably, i was exhausted by that time. but my tidious days didn't end there. i also went around a four mile radius, joining and conducting a local group of kids who were christmas carolling the community. hooked off with them just a while ago. man, am i tired.

I'm so tired of being here
Suppressed by all my childish fears
And if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
'Cause your presence still lingers here
And it won't leave me alone

These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase

When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have
All of me

You used to captivate me
By your resonating life
Now I'm bound by the life you've left behind
Your face it haunts
My once pleasant dreams
Your voice it chased away
All the sanity in me

I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
But though you're still with me
I've been alone all along

MY IMMORTAL
evanescence

'will be going home in a while. just gonna grab some hot chocolate.
'will sleep when i get home.
happy holidays to all. hey.

i'm tired of being strong.
-GINA DE VENECIA during the wake of her daughter KC's untimely demise

it was the school's christmas party, and the kids got invited to partake in it. glad we did.

of the roster, a bunch of the kids (yours truly included) won the raffle:
SUGAR, RYAH and myself won P500 each; DARRYL won a giant frosted mirror; MADMAXX won an electric fan; LANCE won a 21" tv; and lil' JONA won for herself a flatron worth around 30 to 40 thousand pesos. four other people were called, but were not present during the raffle, thereby forfeiting their stash: SAM, MAJERSKI, FLINT and PEPPER.

in all, by the end of the raffle, all green-eyed monsters were staring at us.

***

this afternoon, we partly capped off the year (by partly we mean we'll still air pretty much until the last days of december 2004) by celebrating our christmas get-together. although only a few of the former DJs came, i was still glad they did.

kudos to huck finn (now storm in BAY RADIO) and double j - as in jeremy jones (soon to be appointed production director of the aforementioned station). their efforts to join in the fun was commendable.

after a couple of games, which included: dancing on paper; a "blow-job" activity (as in you blow onto a cup filled with flour to get the coin at the bottom); mime games; and a miniature paluan ng palayok (by miniature, i mean the size of the clay pot), we set off towards home, stuffed to the brim and with hurting cheek bones after laughing too hard.

musical performances were provided by FIRST PETER - launching their first single MAN OF MY DREAMS into full scale as well. i got to sang a few songs as well, as did double j.

i'm here. hey.

Life (and Love) is so ephemeral like that flame, here today, gone tomorrow.
But oh, we are so foolish because we know the truth yet continue to deny it. Or we acknowledge the truth but head for the wrong directions anyway. Either we say let's eat, drink and be merry, for tomorrow we shall die. Or we delude ourselves that earthly attachments are eternal. We go through the motions of living but we refuse to live life by the day. We plan all sorts of things but never consider those that could come unexpected. We regard life as if it were our own. We regard ourselves as if we're totally in control.
- JUSTIN COGNITO/BOM.04

a lot of people ended up pissing me off today.

first, i found out some of the djs were going to assist in the christian bautista concert tonight. noone told me. wow. even worse was that they were not acknowledged as production assistants, but as djs. hello! where was the request from my helm?

second, this guy was making moves on my girl. what was even worse was that this guy was separated, had a kid, and thought that inviting a girl out for dinner and lunch, and volunteering to take her home were harmless to an already relationship. dammit.

third, i'm helping out bands record a demo cd (i'm also singing in the demo), and i find the sound engineer pegging prices higher than the himalayas for it. now he's texting me his landline number, and asking me to call him.

and where does that lead us? not really my day, man.

So this is Christmas
And what have you done
Another year over
And a new one just begun
Ans so this is Christmas
I hope you have fun
The near and the dear one
The old and the young

A very merry Christmas
And a happy New Year
Let's hope it's a good one
Without any fear
And so this is Christmas
For weak and for strong
For rich and the poor ones
The world is so wrong
And so happy Christmas
For black and for white
For yellow and red ones
Let's stop all the fight
A very merry Christmas
And a happy New Year
Let's hope it's a good one
Without any fear
And so this is Christmas
And what have we done
Another year over
And a new one just begun
Ans so this is Christmas
I hope you have fun
The near and the dear one
The old and the young
A very merry Christmas
And a happy New Year
Let's hope it's a good one
Without any fear
War is over over
If you want it
War is over
Now...

HAPPY CHRISTMAS (WAR IS OVER)
john lennon

***

it's 'tales.
what the bitch is trying to say
is that you shouldn't drown yourself
with too much anger about it.
keep your cool. sleep.
you'll be able to think
better when you're sober.

ei, man. thanks for texting back. i had noone else to turn to. well, my bestfriend was nice enough to have dropped by this afternoon to calm me down (and give me a good sermon about how i acted last night), even though it was his 6th anniversary with W. i appreciate it much, dan.
thank you, friends. you keep me sane.

***

let's just hope this christmas would be a good one. for all of us. haay, i'm starting to think that the prospects for next year ain't that bright. 'hope i'm wrong. keep close, dawgs. need you now more than ever.

hail to the old sweet bad me. thanks for the line, jeraldine.
hey. i'm here. hope you are, too.

a poet is a jeweler.
his gift is in smallness.
-McNair

this morning, on my way to work, i sat beside this guy. dammit. today turned out to be the worst ride i've ever had this semester. having just one half of the butt on the cushion i could disregard, not having enough elbow room - literally - to move as i read my book i could ignore, but man, this guy kept nagging me and yapping about how posh and how rich he was.
i was the epitome of nice today during that bus ride. after the forty-five minute talk, i managed to bear listening - and remembering - the following things: that he was from batangas city, but was born in calapan, mindoro; that he own a 1600 sq. meter lot at barangay 1, near calumpang; that he was planning to become a man-whore in dubai and saudi; that he was currently teaching speech at a montessori in san pablo; that he was married, and considered himself a battered husband (even showing me scars on his elbow and left arm); that he was a scholar from canossa college; that he was a pioneer batch of the help in dunkin donuts san pablo; that he was planning to apply at lyceum; that he has a catering business at san pablo; that he had one daughter - a hong kong citizen; that he was on his way to calapan to survey over an island he received as his piece of the family riches; that he was planning to put up doors upon doors of apartments and/or a condominium highrise right in front of the calumpang river, among other things.
he kept bedgering me the whole ride, asking me in a tone that was similar to those in action flicks where the desk officer asked the accused or the victim very indifferent-sounding questions like: ANONG PANGALAN? ILANG TAON? TIRAHAN? ARE YOU WORKING? SAAN? FOR HOW LONG?
what was even more annoying was that everytime i'd decide to answer his questions, he would butt in and start yapping even more about himself. that wasn't the worst part. he sang occassionally during the ride. and we're not talking about a regine velasquez here.
before i got off the bus, i found out - through him - that prior to him badgering me, he was interrogating the other guy near the window. getting off the bus, i motioned to ask the other guy what atrocity he experienced in the hands of the yapping psychology-major from san pablo. but i cautioned myself, and did not ask. didn't even look at his face.

See the curtains hanging in the window
in the evening on a friday night
little light shining through the window
lets me know that everything is alright

Summer Breeze well it makes me feel fine
blowing through the jasmine in my mind
Summer Breeze makes me feel fine
blow-in through my, makes me feel...right,
makin me feel makin me feel fine, makes me feel fine
blowin through the jasmine in my mind

oh, sweet days of summer
the jasmine's in bloom..a da da
july is dressed up
and playing a tune

and when I come ho-me from a hard days work
and you're waiting there, yes you're waiting there, without a care
in the world...no

and sometimes

I see the smile waiting in the kitchen
the food a cooking
and a place there for two
I see the arms reaching out to hold me
in the evening when the day is through

Summer breeze makes me feel fine
blowing through the jasmine in my mind
Summer breeze, make me feel fine
blow-in through my, makin me feel...right,
makin me feel, makin me feel fine...
make me feel right
blowin through the jasmine in my
blowin, blowin...blowin through the jasmine in my
blowin, blowin...blowin through the jasmine in my
blowin, blowin...blowin through the jasmine in my
Blowin, Blowin...blowin through the jasmine in my..
BLOW-IIIIIIIN
Blowin through the jasmin in my mind

SUMMER BREEZE
seals & crofts

i hope tomorrow's ride would be better. and imagine my frustration when i found out i haven't received that email 'tales was supposed to send me.
hey.

EA: wala na po ba akong choice?
NM: palagay ko wala.

putang-ina ninyo. magsama-sama kayo sa impyerno. magkita-kita na lang tayo dun.
galit? anger is an understatement.

given the responsibility to man the new freedom hall is one thing. but having no choice to say no is fuckin' bullshit.

una, andami kong ginagawa. putang-inang bading na yun, anong pakialam ko sa padebate nya. bakit, tinanong ba nya muna ako kung pwede ako sa araw na yon? hindi naman di ba? basta siya nagpa-iskedyul ng paggamit without considering the people who are going to be bothered by it. and even worse, he's insinuating i have no choice. ha?! ano ako sa skul, utusan?! ALILA?! ni hindi nga ako babayaran sa anim na oras na itatagal ko dun sa lunes! at ano, kapag nagkagulo, sisisihin pa ako?! putang-inang buhay 'to?!

when you look at it, it's partlymy fault. you know why? 'cause i've been so nice since day one at this school. no qualms, no questions, no complaints. bow na lang ng bow. kasalanan ko partly. dapat pala hindi ako naging mabait. sana pala natuto akong lumaban. sana pala hindi ako nagpayapak sa ibang tao.

**

pauwi, ginabutan nya ang likod ng polo ko kasi daw basa. bakeet?! ano ako, bata?! kung ngagsasawa na siyang mag-alaga sa akin, iwanan na nya ako. buong dalawang taon at anim na buwang magkakilala kami ipinangako ko sa sarili kong mamahalin ko siya't aalagaan. ganun din naman siya eh. kung hindi siya nagtataray. pagtarayan na nya ang ibang tao, huwag lang ako.

akala ko kasi magkakampi kami. hindi pala.

sa totoo lang, nagdadalawang-isip na akong magpakasal. kasi ganito siya. pilit niyang kinokontrol ang bawat galaw ko. sabi nya hindi nya ko inaander. sabi ko nga.

i actually bought a cross stitch pattern that i plannd to do during my free time. would have given it to her this christmas as my gift: a newly-wed couple kissing. pero bakit ganito? parang hindi magkakatotoo ang pangarap namin?

**

nagdadalawang-isip na rin akong dumalo sa kasal ng kuya nya. para saan pa?
para maibandera sa buong mundo kung gaano ako kadaling utusan ng pamilya nya? samantalang sila itong may ayaw sa akin.

ang kapal talaga ng pamilya nya. nakakasakit na sila.
hirap kasi sa 'kin, utu-uto.
bye.