NOTES FOR THE DAY

1
you've been prolific
since God knows when.
how can you be a newbie?
all i'm saying is
you've to choose;
or else people, not necessarily
yourself
could get hurt.

(and they already have.)


2
ho ho! tone down
you're taking me down
with you.
cool down.
we'll talk later.

(what quiet, calming talks we have.)


3
okay, tonight.
but i can't leave the house after six.
new house rules.
you'll have to come over.
Kahit anong time, okay lang.

(and these rules bind us forever,
until we become fed up with them, and decide
to vanquish them altogether.)


no blogs;
no text;
no anything.
where are you?
living in the darkness -
alone, and seething;
soul calmed yet turmoiled by thoughts.
can't i join you?
just one last time?

fragmented thoughts
lingering endlessly in my tears.
what idiocy i advocate!
and what paths i should have taken
but didn't have the balls to.

i could just disappear into the wilderness, and live the life of a hermit, but instead i had to be me. darn it. i'm just full of crap.

what have we become after the break-up?
friends? casual acquaintances?
-worse.
-shrinks.

yesternight, i found myself at a familiar place. though there were a few modifications that i noticed, it was pretty much that nook that comforted me not so long ago - a new exhaust fan, new paint, new cupboard doors. new smiling face.

'found out it was just not the right time to impose. and for the very first time, we did not fight the morning after. i was more than happy to have spent yesternight with you. even if the moments were stolen. even if feeling comfortable in each's bossom was not called for - because you've chosen to not let me into your heart. i was at least happy that you let me into your nook. that was fine for me. still is.

to what have we evolved into? you were still hurt, i felt yesternight. and you were so brave showing me that you've moved on. i am happy for you. and even sadder for myself because i chose not to choose. i did not choose you. even if it did feel right. i played it safe. and now i have to live with the reality that i may never have you again.. but i want to have you again. to sleep soundly in your arms, and listen to you snore, smirk and help me dream. and kiss you endlessly in ripples of smiles, tears and severe cuddling.

saying sorry now doesn't make any difference, i guess. because we've reduced what we had into a mishap that shouldn't have happened, but still glad it did. because at the end of it all, i found myself finding you. and that was bliss. no matter how things ended up for us. WEDNESDAY.

sad is an understatement right now.
left behind in a fight that i thought i was part of.
but eventually, made to realize that things are not the same.
and i have been forgotten totally.
in the crisp breeze of the night, i stood there - stakes at hand-
but no battles fought.
because i was left behind in THIS battle.
because i had no place in it.
least not anymore.
wishing that i did makes me fall unto my knees
and bless the earth with crimson tears.
what idiocy do i carry in my veins
and what atrocity wails from my insides.

i yearn for you, but you chose not to tag me along.

and you know what?
i can't really blame you.
THIS is your battle. even if i want it to be mine as well.
but f*** this boar. THIS would have been,
if i wasn't as stubborn. or as stupid.

vacation

torches line up the shore.
flags, colored.
bikini-clad women, naked men embracing them
lovers kissing in the advent
of sunsets over the horizon.
swift breeze that meddles with hair.
sand trapped between toes,
moistened occasionally.
silent eyes meeting by chance,
hidden by smiles and masks -
sharing eternal nights
in the arms of strangers.
misty-eyed vengeance and
death-defying misunderstanding.
tasty luncheons and quiet times
by the beach.
water guzzling out of faucets
and slowly churning blood into it.
this i wouldn't trade for the world.

summer in boracay.
'wish i was there.

PAPABOLS

we walked around
with cotton balls last night.
smiling, laughing at
each other's past mistakes.
jesting each other and
making fun of little nothings
that seemed something -
somehow.
i have crossed over.
bridges, arches, highrisers, skyhuggers.
what have i for you -
swooning,love, longing -
seemingly gone.
(but has it?)
(or was i in denial?)
all tucked in someone else's bed
waiting for that beloved bedtime story
but heard not while waiting
all night.

cottonballs you clutched
while walking.
not minding the dust, the smoke.
remembering on the sound
of each's voice
and what we told our hearts.
ev'rything felt like it had ended.
no more hurt, no more angst.
no more love.
but woest me, in disdain -
constantly in din with
our crazy hearts -
and bamboozled by smiles that hid
behind masks that told us
to not die in each's arms again.
we followed fervently.
but ev'rything has a price.

we held cottonballs
while walking last night.
held lives. held love.
held sight.

let go of ev'rything.
but for how long?

pretty much forever



baliw

o mapag-imbot na langit-
tanda ng kabataang minsa'y aking nabitag-
anong sumpa ang daratal
sa ligaw kong maskara?
anong kahibangan ang namamahay
sa aking guniguni?
at aling alaala yaong pagyayamanin?

makailang siglo ng pagtatanong
subalit walaa ring kasagutang nananahan
sa aking mga gabi.
matamang nakatitig sa karimlan ng gabi,
nangahas muli akong magtanong sa kanya-
umaasang may kahit munting liwanag
na iingaw mula sa kanyang pusod-
subalit bigo ako.
bigo akong muli.

paanong huhupa ang pagtatalo ng damdamin,
kung hindi muna huhupa ang unos
na siyang dulo?
o mapag-imbot na langit, anong luit
sa ligaw na maskarang minsang
iyong pinakaiibig!
paanong malulunasan ang sinadyang
magdugo magpakailanman?
at wala ni kaunting akundangan
sa makailang pagbabakasakaling
makawala sa sumpa ng langit.
kahibangan!

anong kahungkagang rimarim mayroon ang bawat isa?
langit, lupa, apoy, kahoy, maskara.
wala.
tanging pag-ibig
na di maaaring uminog.

katre

sleeping in your bed again.
devoured by jests, smirks, caffeine;
understanding better and
leaving yesterdays adrift.
your squinty eyes are sad,
i know.
security deprived of you,
and mishaps galore.

you smile, yet bleed.
and this you do
while i sleep in your bed
again
tonight.


he called

i was lying on the floor,
heart clutched tightly in reminiscence-
and he calls;
you smile.
what little effort he makes
to etch his name
unto your tears and paper,
manning the quill carelessly
and leading you down that road
where people had to choose;
and you didn't.

you just left.

AN OPEN LETTER TO A TERRESTRIAL VISIONARY

Things have never been the same since that day we chose to shy away from each other’s arms. You were right yesternight. The easiest thing that I should have done was to choose among you. And I failed in completing that task. I failed myself; I failed you. 'Pretty much failed everyone for that matter. And did I repent, hell no. I just shelved everything up, bottled up some of the emotions, and just waited for that rocket to come. And when it came, it was explosive.

What have we now, dear friend? We are wayward souls. Or at least I am. You on the other hand, are back to where you should be. Away from me, I guess. Busy and contemplating about everything else but me. And you know what, it is the right thing to do. I just can't accept it as it is. Not just yet. Who knows? Maybe I will, soon enough. But not just yet. I am still hoping that I may one day, land unto your arms again. And that time, you wouldn't choose to leave me inside your nook, and sleep over you siblings' quiet place.

Let's face it. At the back of my mind, I still long for you. Your touch, your squinty eyes. But I don't complain. Because I can't. Not just yet. I live a crazy, torn life. And you, you're just happy I'm out of yours, I guess. At a point, I was happy that you were. Because I AM bad for you. I shouldn't badger you about things that you shouldn't worry about. Like me sleeping over, and you not being comfortable about it. Maybe I shouldn't sleep over your nook anymore, no matter how late it is. It's not worth the hurt I give you.

I'm pretty much into guessing right now. But not really good at it. You amaze me. You have moved on. I on the other hand, have not. Because you still inspire me in every aspect. What have we, dear friend? At least a special kind of friendship, I assume. One that's too complicated for me to explain, but is pretty much plainly perceivable for you.

I told you three phrases before. A fourth I asked you to dare not utter. But you did. And it struck me deep. But I had to take the blade you lunged at me. It was pretty much called for. I deserved it.

But I'm a "masungay" stubborn jackass. A pretty old one, too.

Whether I am too old or too scared to admit it, I am still fond of everything that you are. Even if I've told you that I've moved on. The truth of the matter is, I haven't. I'm just telling myself that I have. Pretentious me. Woes reign supreme in my evil mind. Does it bother me? Yes. Because I know, in the end I might lose everyone. And you know how scared I become when I am alone. I'm just as big scardy cat. Umm, pig.

Thank you for being polite enough to say "Ingat" even if I know you're mad at me. You mean it, I know. I should take care of myself. At this point though, I'm starting to look like the masochist I've always been. Wanting to inflict myself with wounds that heal not.

I don't even know if you'll be able to read this. I hope you do. And I hope it doesn't piss you off. You're a great person, dear friend. And I am not. But I hope that doesn't get in the way of things. Not now. Not never.

i fought with someone dear to me today. and it wasn't really as bloody and messy as i expected it to be. just two people casually telling each other things that were long kept and bottled up. some things i sad i didn't want to say; others, i intended.

what little hope of a normal life i wanted to have is slowly becoming a wild goose chase. i'm afraid that the chase might be in its last few laps. and what am i left with if things continue to be as they are?

nothing. noone.

CAN LOVE BE
IN TWO PLACES BUT NEVER AT HOME?
CAN REALITY BE BLESSED
AND EVIL AT THE SAME TIME?
CAN WE BE FRIENDS
AND NOT FEEL ANYTHING?

i guess they can.

isang krimen
sa mga katulad nating
alipin ng panulat
ang manahimik
at hindi maibulalas
ang pahapyaw ng damdaming
nagpupuyo at
lipos ng siphayo.

mabuhay tayo sa panulat ng panahong maramot,
subalit natatanto ang kahibangan at katotohanan
na tayong lahat ay iisa sa puso at panulat.

i sat in front of my computer the other day, and thought - what have i accomplished this summer? a lot of things i guess.
everything came so fast (and left faster than i imagined - no pun intended), but i guess i am still glad things turned out as they did. we all learned a lot of things this summer. more than what i bargained for.
what have i achieved this summer? probably, i should ask first, what did i do?
i learned to write again. i've actually finished two books of poems this summer. a two week interval in between them. i was so inspired this summer. i got to tame the quill once more. it's been so long.
i'm currently finishing my third, before classes start. i'm glad i got back the knack for it. nakakamiss pala
i met a lot of interesting people this summer. some beyond just meeting. others just beyond regular friendship.
but i guess the best thing i did this summer was finding myself. and i was happy with what i found.
and here i was mumbling about me being alone, when all the while i was not. i was in the company if the most beautiful people i have ever met, loved, and saw.
what have i accomplished this summer?
i became more human.

is there room
for romantics on this earth?
here where we live our lives
in total darkness
yet find time to jest about it?
what irony we live
in this world where
there is actually no room
for romantics
as we are-
only for those who
live to forget
to regret
and to forgive.

i am sad.
lonely.
crying.
unforgiven.
unforgivable.
misled.
atrocious.
hideous.
vile.
officious.
miserable.
putrid.
pudgy at times.
impoverished.
tricked.
never understood.
always adjusting.
kissed, but never sealed.
forgotten.
unkind.
crazy.
docile.
a puppet.
blinded.
busy.
alone.

i am sad.
but you see that not.

today's thoughts

1
to hell with you, bitchful death.
i will not die a weakling.
you'll have to drag me
into hell with all you strength,
because i will claw my way
away from your clutches..

2
should we be punished
for not being in places
we should have been?...

3
i wish to elope, my dark angel
but how? should i?
can i?

- you may

4
we run into passion blindly
we lose our perspective for a fleeting moment
but then reality kicks in
bites and forces us back
to the truth;
because it doen't work.
it never lasts.

-but there can always be exceptions.

you know that time when you can hear music from the other room and you sing along to the beat; then the door shuts and you could still hear the song in your head and still sing along with it anyway? then you hear it again when the door reopens, and you're still in sync with the song?

that's what love is.

(that and when you foam in the mouth when you see the person.)