bull. that's what ancient ones have. a lot of it, i guess.

exhibit A has always been right about everything. the ancient one pretty much messed up his life. and left him broke too. he still owes exhibit A a lot of things. but now, things are even more painfully complicated. "no-light-at-the-end-of-the-tunnel" cliche is appropriate here.

best forget is not an option. but saying goodbye is. goodbye. i may still hope that it would not be forever, but i have a feeling it might be. or least until all strings are consumed. then, things would really be "official". best forget has never been an option. not after lines had been drawn that fateful morn at the gate. not after strings were tugged, but not comforted.

the afterlife is not an option either. why would it be. exhibit A'd be in a different place than the ancient one any way. the ancient'll be burning in hell long before exhibit A expires. old people do that. burn in hell. especially those reborn into the darkness.

the ancient one still owes exhibit A. and when the day arrives that dues are paid in blue, he is petrified of the day foxes roam evil grounds no more.

no bull.

ancient one out.

woest me
hiding behind facades of lust
and despair
yet blinded not
by the atrocity that i am.

sickly. old. tattered.
weary. slow-walking. never understood.

friendships are not about being right or wrong. they're about lasting long.

almost two months ago, i met a person that changed how i looked at life - making me realize that i was way beyond what people saw that i was. making me understand that life should not be taken as pill. and that reality was way beyond my league. and yet, i was crazy enough to welcome it. because it felt like home.

almost two months ago, i met myself while trekking this road i called life. i stumbled upon a picture of myself totally new. and yet, i liked what i saw. was i sad? to say the least. i found myself not in control of things. I AM O.C. i don't like it when i am not in control of things. but you know what? i welcomed it altogether. i knew it was worth the risk. because for once in my life, i was actually happy. in every sense of it.

almost two months ago, i found myself trapped in the clutches of a forrest beast. happy, though i wasn't sure if the beast felt the same security i did. must've for a moment. but it waned. slipped. intentionally. i guess i wasn't left with any choice. we had no choice. forgetting, not an option. not even a possibility. not never.

friendships are not about being right or wrong. they're about lasting long.

mine didn't last as long as i wanted it to. now i just jave to learn to live with it.

adjectives and adverbs

happy
cheerful
blissful
atrociously jaunty
sunny
spritely
undaunted
smiling
sometimes officious
alive
breathing
joyful
elated
not remotely sad

what's missing?

excerpts from smirks

... who is, happy?
them with soulful bliss
basking in sin and drenched in blood
and fecal splendor?
or the wicked perhaps,
with daggers at hand
that slice souls and body
yet pierce not heart of sanity?

who is, happy?
not i.

19 spells

1
risen from the ashes,
awakened by thought.
quicken thine heart
light free the distraught.

2
from under the ground,
liberate thou memory.
create thine path
understand thy wrought.

3
silence seeps through wicked heart,
strike fear and anger, hate and wrath.
abate thine creator of power and might
make that which is good
turn black as night.

4
succomb to the strife,
defender of thought.
let that which is clear
now fogged,untouched.

5
mist,
be my protector from those who hunt
let shadow flee from the light that binds.
no eyes, no ear feel little hush,
so wander i may
thine earth untouched.

6
when death becomes thy final fate,
let souls return to what was waste.
make wisdom crawl o'er putrid veins
awaken the soul that sleeps in haste.

7
staff commune,
thy wisdom with fate.
let light seep through abyss and seal
thine wicked heart with knowledge create.

8
what once was little, now enlarge.
what once was whole, now rot and collapse.

9
make din thou thine last resort,
omit dreary silence
let thunder aloft.

10
darkness linger amidst that which liberates,
capture thine heart with shadows of glee.
be gone now haste, hide river of tears
turmoil and anger be now thou flee.

11
hale gods be gone,
leave now thee be may.
pestilence encroach, thine heart dismay.

12
past memory collapse,
thine wisdom consealed.
let sight now rot,
mist cover, enshield.

13
souls, dark and meek,
thine master obey.
arise from deep slumber,
covet earth, enrage.

14
sin be path thine heart thee take,
silence emerge - hearts wander, partake.
minggle thee thoughts with little haste,
darkness befall, old evil awake.

15
time swift and playful,
heed thine call.
what old is new,
what tomorrow now lo!

16
steadfast winds
carry thine thoughts,
let voice be heard
thy trance now scourge.

17
liberate light from that which traps,
save all evil touched
strong vision emerge.

18
wingless flight, hear now, take heed
winds north, south, west, east
lift thine temple now
to sky's breasts.

19
high power,
bless this staff of light.
bring forth freedom,
lucidity, might.

tragedy

turbid eyes
weak and distraught
wield my sanity
to save what is left
of myself
trespass what i own
to revive what was lost
tear apart what jests me
and make whole
love regained yet forgotten
seal my sanity
and lament over my sanctuary -
that which i own
no more.


glass house

fog hovers over my meadows
wrapping me in cold slumber
making me wonder of the sleep
i might endure for the night
what simple joy it is
to succomb to the cold
and die in the arms of a known villain.
dark clouds fill my sky
lurking among themselves
and understanding not why they kid me
in the first place
trapped, they viciously squirm -
trying to untie the knots that
bind them to my soul
bitter-sweet sorrow haunts my glass
that bursts into shards that bleed
and yet, not spilled to the floor
what irony have i?
and what little hunger i had
was my salvation

turning around, i saw lightning approach me -
wanting so much to quicken my thoughts
awaken my love, ruin my streams
what little faith i had was my shield
my fortress that stood not
instead crawled down onto his belly and wept
foolish me torn by invigorated longing
and unquenched trust
what little fear i had became my sanctuary -
fearing the shards of glass would tear me apart
and yet felt thankful they did

seemingly abated
i stood before me
unadulterated,
yet dead.

bored

there is no such thing as boring
when you look at things
in a different angle.

... when you understand things
in a different language.

... when you love someone
in a different perspective
and a lonelier facade.


you
promises
planted on earth-bound tears
simple lines that sink
deep into the soul
trying to run away, but can't
won't
but should.

last night i got a call from ectar. surprised was an understatement. but i thanked him for calling anyway. i was glad he did. i was kinda down yesterday. must've been the fact that i had to trim down my trainee DJs from 12 to just six. i felt bad i had to trim them down. but that's how the cookie crumbles. for them, i mean.

what did we talk aboiut? his tennis game with ciongs and angel. and how he sucked at it (no offense, mr. fox). i was trying to boost his morale the afternoon before he went on with the game, but i guess i should have FedExd him some helium thrusters instead heheh

he was going to baguio, and i felt bad ('coz i wasn't coming!)... i haven't had much of a summer have i? i got DJ work and tutorials to keep me nailed, and a passbook that's thinning by the second heheh... but at least summer's almost over. that means work. for me. finally i could get some r&r.

or maybe not.

early mornings

7:19:57
good morning
just got up

slept real early last night
woke up around 1
went online and
slept around 5 again

hope you've had
breakfast
ingat ka.

phone call

dad
i'm not mad
i just can't
answer the phone
too many people
listening to us
not understanding us
besides,
you're my daddy
i'd never get mad
at you

my fourth commandment:
i never knew how to use a hanger.

while i was sleeping over at ectar's place the other night (he was helping me out with my blog's template) i came to realize a lot of things - that life was indeed too short to actually take for granted; that things will never be as they are; that i was not the person i knew i was; that i tend to overestimate and underestimate people; that i was still blinded by yesterdays that i thought were still within my reach.

but you know what? i didn't mind staying up and feeling all that. i was just happy i found myself at the nook that made me feel so at home with myself. and made me understand that though things were not as they should, and were not as i wanted, i was happy.

morning-afters
are pale, torn and guised
sad and yet
with a facade of smiles
longing to touch
each other's soul
but could not
would not
should not
but how may i survive
these morning-afters
in the absence
of your squinty eyes?

angst. that's what defines my life. and solitude is my only resort. people have a habit of leaving me, don't they. and the habit of making me cry. but don't worry. i AM getting used it. and don't go to that family bull. family's not helping either. they're the reason why i'm messed up in the first place. ah, well.

i simply cannot understand why things can't work out as i want them to. this only means one thing: i am normal. and sad. and sometimes alone. but hey, am i complaining? HELL no.

hell no.

do i have the right to complain? i don't think so. i don't. and never will have any right to. i'm the eldest. i do not have the luxury of complaining.

come to think of it (while my dad was babbling a lot of things behind my back), ii realized that i was - since the beginning - not in my right place. heck, what is a home? never felt i was in one. it always felt like a lodge house for me. continues to be.

i just wish things were different for me. not this pressuring. not this sad. not this hurting. but who's complaining? me?

hell no.

i'm talking a walk around the city tonight. because i don't know what to say. which facade am i going to use when i come back home? how long has it been since i've actually felt happy? has it been that long?

hell no.

selfish i am? (starting to speak like yoda) i guess i am. unfair? hell yah. afraid? all the time. evil? forever. but where does this life lead to? how should i know? it's just taking me for a ride. a long one.

can i take it? no choice. i have to. but i might just try what ectar suggested. getting my adrenalin flushed. sitting on the middle of the road at night, while waiting for a truck to hit me, seems promising. am i crazy?

you bet i am.

mahirap sakyan ang galaw ng mundo
di maigalaw ang mga bisig at hita
sa indayog na noong una'y nanghikayat
subalit sa huli'y nagdulot
ng pagpapaiwara, ng kalungkutan
ng pagkabilanggo at pagpapasakit

kailan ako lalaya?

things just can't go on like before
but can we still be friends?

but how can the heart go on
if friendship is not the answer
but a feeling far beyond what is offered?

things just can't go on like before
but can we still be friends?

what then should the heart answer?
yes? no? maybe? i might? or i might not?
and what at the end of it all?
losing whatever piece of sanity left in the brain,
eventually not realizing whether one still existed.

things just can't go on like before
but can we still be friends?

and at the end of the day, what?
lunacy. for not having had loved you
more than the friend we once intended
and silenced forever because
things just can't go on like before
but can we still be friends?

time pushes people to do things that should not be done just yet. we are trapped by our intentions to fast-track as time is. we are not bits of seconds. we are beings of the light that swim in darkness. we are not automatons. we are us.

mayaman ang langit
sa pangungutya;
mapaglaro ang tadhana
patungkol sa siphayo;
makisig ang pagdarahop
sa ating mga ulila;
at mapagkunwari ang haraya
sa mga pusong mapaglinlang at mapag-isa.

of hearts

what are we to Him but dust at His feet? if so, are we even entitled to love?

what more should a heart seek
if he is bllind by fifty?
what more should he long for
if all he has he loses as well?
who so then should welcome his soul
after a dark night
if by chance, none would let him in?
what better way to kill a heart
than by taking his heartbeat away?

if seasons failed
and time stood still
what happy thoughts linger in a heart?
what simple joys and quiet sighs
does he create?
if all was lost in battles unfought
what hope remains in his silent nook?
lest taken heed
he be unnerved.

if, and when, hearts are pure
what little ways does he enjoy?
playtime by the beach
or making other hearts bleed in hearths?
does he assume all that he sees
and never lets things complex?
what does a heart have
but faith in love (or none at all).

where hearts fail
dreams emerge - quiet, undaunted
unstirred.
what is left are tears
that run dry
and spirits running low.
of chains that bind hearts and men
to the darkness -
it that invites, loves
unfolds.
what more should a heart seek
if he was blind by fifty?
probably, his soul.

i believe we are.

come to think of it, we are all trapped in one big vial of longing and wanting, trying to free ourselves almost tirelessly, since the beginning of time - continuing the struggle till we face our Maker.

come to think of it, life is a miserable pursuit for happiness, often found relentless and frustrating. but we never grow tired of trying. and hoping that eventually, we win over reality and win over life.

come to think of it, life is a game, a journey, a squabble, a fight. what is life but an unending trial-and-error routine that eventually tires us, and yet not our spirits. as if our spirits were independent from us, and travelled a different current from that of ours.

come to think of it, our reality is a burgeoning dilemma of unending insouciance, inceptions of want, need and whim. trapped. vialed. alone in birth, but never in death.

come to think of it, why burden ourselves with thinking?

untitled

what is my paradiso?
your squinty eyes that smile
and part the heavens
your laughter that
leaves me breathless everytime
your smell that seethes
into my being and
leaves me powerless to resist
your yawns and snores
that resound, echo in my heart
letting me sleep soundly
in your midst

what is my paradiso?
not what.

who.

silence is
my heart's companion
trekking your heart
your soul that
are wilderness
to neophytes as i.
what better way
to discover the light
than by engulfing oneself
in total darkness?
submerged in a pit
of black tears
green eyes and
pink fetish.

solitude
is my shadow's colleague
in its pursuit
of a better understanding
of your smile your kiss
of your moans groans
sighs
of happy thoughts
and whims.
what better way
to unravel what is hidden
than by wallowing
in your memories
and forgetting
that time passed
as we did not.

ignorance
is my last resort
trying to make out something
from the abstract
and fixing what was
not broken.
what better way
to die
than to lose you
and all that is beautiful
in those squinty eyes.

not knowing how you are
not seeing you
not being with you
this is my hell;
unknown to you
you kill me even more.

we fought tonight

we fought tonight
words everywhere
hearts flung outside the window
feelings jeopardized
eyes left in awe
tears clinging to each other
because we fought tonight
unknowing of tomorrow's hellos
if ever we still would
after what happened tonight
thinking, shuddering
longing for you even more
after you walked out on me
and never looked back
with a sneer on your face that
melted me into mush
and killed me right then and there
as we fought tonight
recurring to me as a nightmare
haunting me tonight
as i lay on the floor
thinking, crying
trying to understand
why we even fought in the first place.


leaving so soon
by ectar

i can't leave
carrying such a burden
i'm sorry
for last night
i pray
it is not how
you'll remember me by.

do take care.

someone asked me this morning about what i meant in kismet death. he was wondering a lot, because he felt like i was longing for something. that i was searching for something.
you know what? he was right. i AM looking for something. freedom from my personal bondages. peace from my war-torn conscience (he bothers me a lot. and i thought i had none). salvation for my sins. a lot of things.
a friend of mine from college said, in one of my interviews for a school project, that he too was looking for something. that there was something missing in him. i asked him, "don't tell me you're not sure about yourself?" he said he was. but it was just that he knew that there was something wrong in him. and that something had to be looked for. and he is still looking up to this day (but it would have helped a lot if he knew what he was looking for).
what am i searching for? i don't know. my chinese horoscope for this year says that there will be a drastic change in my life. and that that change would be good for me. that it would last a lifetime (early this year, something did happen. i'm holding on to it).
what do we search for in this lifetime (or the next)? love? fame? money? sex? a partner? a companion? i really have no idea. wish i had. i'd be lying if i said i'm happy with how the way things are for me now. well, i am in some aspects of it. but generally, it wouldn't hurt my ego if i sometimes choose to sulk at a corner and silently weep my worries away.
what is it that are we searching for? i hope we find it soon. 'might get restless and just stop breathing if i don't.

sleeping awake
by ectar

i feel awful
having dozed off on you
last night
had one of the longest sleeps ever
this month
i bet
i was snoring even
hope you are feeling better
i know
you should not
have stayed up.


pulling strings

my heart races steadfastly
at the sight of you
wanting. needing. missing.
raging. denying. cuddling.
touching. laughing. crying.
understanding. longing. whispering.
praying. singing.
dying.

mesmerized

eyes that shout hello
mouth that says 'i do'
tears that say goodbye
hands that say all

nose that cuddles the sadness
cheeks that hold all hopes
nape that caresses the dark
chest that saves the soul

ears that counsel torn hearts
lips that kiss the light
neck that invites holiness
feet that leave happiness behind
and hands that say it all.


trickster

little hands, little feet
little head, little knowledge
little kisses, light talks
heavy hearts, unforgiving words
touch that blinds, love that scorns
little hands, little feet
little love, little hope.


praning

kaninokabanagmanangkatangahan?
saiyongsarilinadimawariangpinagmulan
osalipunangkinabibilanganngmgaestrangheronghindirinmawariangsarili?
kakatwaangbuhaymo,kaibigan.talagangkakatwa
praninngkanabasalahatngiyongnakikita?
dinamaulinigangkabaliwangkinasasadlakanngharaya?
osadyangsawanasabuhaymongwalangpinatutunguhan?
bakithindimoakogayahin?
magpakasayakanalangsawalangkapararakangbagay.
naglilibangngsarilisawalangkatuturangpakikipagsapalaran.
pagkatsahuli,lahattayoaypawangmgapraninglamang.
oo,tanggapkona,kaibigan.
praningsapagmamahal,sapagkalumbay,sapangungulila
sapagkabatoatpagdaramdam
praningka,kaibigan.atgayundinnamanako.

blind by 50

why do you look
at me like that?
is there something
on my face?
are there tears
that mist my vision?
or smears that ruin
my smile?

why look at me
like that?
have i done you
any harm?
have i made life
miserable for you?
have i taken away
life as you know it?
or have i smears
that ruin your smiles?

why do you look
at me like that?
have i gladness you wish
to take from me?
or love that escapes
all that is harsh and daunted?
have you no mercy
looking at me like that?
trying your best
to relieve me of my insouciance
and making me understand
that being blind
affects you not.