i am wasted today.
dammit, last night i was invited by a former student of mine to judge at a local battle of bands. i obliged because the kid needed help. it was his first to handle such an event, and so i offered my help.

when i got there at around 7.30p, we found out that out of the 12 bands who confirmed, only four actually arrived and registered: three were from san pablo, and one was from lipa. the cemite-de-fetijos decided to wait out two more bands who confirmed attendance to the event. and that's what we did. a stake out.

and just when we thought things couldn't get any worse, dammit, it rained.

the show was hosted/produced/directed by this obnoxious guy who kept mentioning his roadshow foundation that was featured daw on ABS-CBN and GMA, emphasizing that his guest peroformers for the night "brought honor and prestige to the country." needless to say, i doubted everything the man said.

the rains stopped at around 10.30p. by that time, the performers of the "director" finally appeared after being announced to perform three hours earlier. they were a bunch of transvestites clad in everything else but clothes: one guy wore a thin sheet of chiffon fabric over dark blue, sequin-sparkling panties and bra; another guy wore something out of nora aunor's closet (with matching blonde hair wig to boot); one guy went all the way and wore a one-piece sequined and beaded swimsuit; and the last one, the supposed star, wore a brown shawled piece with feathers emanating from every possible hole on the shirt (a moment of silence for the slaughtered roosters).

you betcha, the whole shenanigan turned into a gay pride parade in late may.

not that i had anything against the guys - believe me, i'm not being prejudicial - but i was shocked to see kids on the surrounding grounds of the make-shift stage (courtesy of the "director's" team - all starry-eyed and marvelling at the loosely-clad men in tight underpants. i was appalled, to say the least.

a little after "their show" of lip-syncing, the bands - all four of them - started to play, and these were pretty good performances. during the announcement of winners, i actually suggested that they joined MUSIKLABAN this year.

anywho, after all remaining ear cartilage was blasted off by ear-numbing bass sounds (not to mention the thubbing sounds in my chest cavity), the battle ended. three of the bands won - and the judges found out that three of the bands were "invited" by the infamous, yup you guessed it, "mr. director."

who knows what other monstrocity this man might bring to this poor community tonight, when he directs the "JAM-boree," as he called it, tonight.

i got back to mader's place at around 2am. i was pooped. but i barely had any sleep because the bed bugs, among other critters, kept me up all dawn. i went hear mass, but didn't finish it because of all the sleep deprivation. when i got home, i bathed, jacked off, then slept.

i woke up an hour later. dammit. 'have spent the rest of the day in the shower. and here in the shop.

i'm chokin', dammit. hey.
(PS: i'm off to puerto galera this coming june 7th with a couple of friends. sana hindi maalon ang dagat. LOL)

a few thoughts for the day:

1
to conquer fear
you have to
become fear
batman begins

2
like broken glass,
that's how pain feels;
like broken shards
of glass.

3
only people
who suffer can grow
into beauty.

i'm actually writing this little blog under the influence of several shots of whisky. yup. i'm tipsy. so sue me.

the first thing that popped into my mind was the fact that i was a bit drunk, my head is spinning, and dammit i needed to write. write till i fall flat on the floor 'cause of this blasted headache i'm having right now. damn you, walker.

last night, a student-friend of mine texted. he was being tormented by the memories of an older woman whom he loved, but did not love him back. dammit, the kid was enraged by the thought of her, but he was enjoying, i could tell. he said he couldn't take it anymore - her face everywhere he looked, her smell in the air, her red lips pulsating in his dreams. hell the kid was going bonkers!

you know what i told him? to hell with the painless life! dammit, embrace life's hurt. that's where you learn. that's where you find peace - in the midst of the hurt that haunts us day and night. sometimes we just hate how the world seems imperfect for us, and perfect for everyone else; but hey, that's how it goes. cookies crumble that way, i guess. but we have to get up and pick up scraps - the good scraps - if we wanna continue eating the cookie.

i'm also planning a galera trip with the guys. who knows what'll happen.

i'm here. hey.

i AM still pissed off now.
two text messages woke me up.
not that i was furious about the content or anything
but it was the way things went after a few more messages
that pissed me off.
phones come and go, right?
but after a while they reach a point of sentimentality
for the owners. particularly if it were a gift from
someone dear to you.
i gave you the phone, right? it's yours already. no more
question about that. it's going to be a bit sad to let go
of the phone on my part, 'cause i gave the phone.
but i'll get over it eventually.
i just couldn't understand why you have to
go balistic and rave about things that need not
be talked about. now you're making me feel
like i'm making a big fuzz of things
and that it's perfectly okay for you
to not have me in your life anymore.
wow. that's all that i can say to you. wow.

i found a new computer shop right here in my barangay that asks just for P15 per hour for internet. you gotta be kidding me. i'm trying out the service right now, and it's quite good actually. i think they're on dsl. great news for me. now i have a new place to hang out. pinch me, i must be dreaming. LOL
honestly, i love hanging out in the internet shop. i feel more free when i'm online. i guess with all the things that're raging inside of me, it's nice that i can find a place where i could be myself, and be happy once in a while.

i was walking along the forbidden streets
when i saw you passing by - driving the car that
used to be a welcome sign to my eyes whenever i
dropped by your pad before. bt come to think of it now
i'm not quite sure if that was you. if it was
you behind the wheel. steering your family towards
home - there where i sought refuge for quite
some time. and found myself lying in bed with you
till the early morn. sometimes, i miss embracing you
but i don't think i'm allowed to still do.
i think i saw you. your eyes pegged on the road,
stern and not mindful of the stranger that passed by
your left window. i would like to think it was you
although it's a wednesday, and you have work.

thought i'd drop by. hey.

only a sith deals
in absolute.
- master obi

train yourself
to let go of the things
you fear to lose.
- master yoda

quite obviously, i've gone out and watched STAR WARS EPISODE III: Revenge of the Sith. i got out of the house at 8.30 in the evening, and went to robinson's place lipa to wait for a friend who promised to treat me out for a movie. what better movie to watch free than star wars, right? LOL

anyway, i was there waiting for him for thirty minutes, puffing a few phillips, and he arrives two minutes before the ticket booth closed! talk about a close call.

we went into the theatre house, sat, and he took out two small packets of junk food. we started eating while we periodically glanced at the screen that showed trailers of upcoming movies (by the way, the FANTASTIC FOUR trailer looked okay; it's something to look forward to as well. the BATMAN BEGINS trailer was okay; felt like it's been ages since i've been seeing it. when would they actually show the flick? LOL).

anyway, the film starts and i was really attentive (as i have for the PHANTOM MENACE, and ATTACK OF THE CLONES), but then my dawg started acting all sleepy. i asked him what was the matter, and he said he suddenly got a headache.

(great movie + bored friend/companion = unsatisfactory viewing)

visually, i enjoyed all the CGIs. they were eye candy for me. like the time i saw EPISODE I (which i saw by sneaking out of research class way back in college) and EPISODE II (which i saw by sneaking out from a class i taught LOL). sadly though, although i had the same gusto to see the movie this time around, in all honesty, i was kinda distracted by the fact that my companion was fidgeting around his chair, and at one point, fell asleep. although i clapped at the end of the movie, i would have enjoyed it even more if my friend shared the same enthusiasm that i had while i saw the film.

Don't you wanna go for a ride
Just keep your hands inside
And make the most out of life
Now don't you take it for granted

Life is like a mean machine
It made a mess outta me
It left me caught between
Like an angry dream I was stranded

And I'm steady but I'm starting to shake
And I don't know how much more I can take

This is it now
Everybody get down
This is all I can take
This is how a heart breaks
You take a hit now you feel it break down
Make you stay wide awake
This is how a heart breaks

Don't you wanna go for a ride
Down to the other side
Feels so good you could cry
Now won't you do what I told you
I remember when you used to be shy
Yeah, once we were so fine
You and I why you gotta make it so hard on me

And I'm sorry but it's not a mistake
And I'm running but you're getting away

You're not the best thing that I knew
Never was never cared too much
For all this hanging around
It's just the same thing all the time
Never get what I want
Never get too close to the end of the line
You're just the same thing that I knew back before the time
When I was only for you

THIS IS HOW A HEART BREAKS
rob thomas

the film explained a lot of things to me.
it also reminded me a lot of things about the previous episodes that i've seen: NEW HOPE, EMPIRE STRIKES BACK, and RETURN OF THE JEDI - the old episodes i saw as a kid growing up under the tutelage of the force.

it was, at a point, nostalgic of a lot of things to me.
the movie was okay. the opportunity to watch it wasn't that great.
but don't get me wrong. it's not like i'm ungrateful.

i'm here. hey.

(PS: my unlimited text expires tonight. i might lay low for a while. kinda out of work until classes kick in by june. till i load up again, bye.)

here are a couple of pictures i recently took, using my camera phone.
hope you like them.


the grand new sotero h. laurel building, towering the batangas skyline with fascinating aluminum luminiscence. i took this picture on my way to the filming exercises of the recent TRINITY workshop on film. what do you think?


clouds that hover above batangas city last week when the temperature soared to all-time highs. geez. there's a kind of calming effect to it, don't you think?


our two dogs. they were perched on the yard, and so i took pictures of them. tell me what do you think they're thinking about?

please tell me what you think
about my pictures.
leave me a tag aight?
i'm here. hey.

you don't need to worry
i can do that for both of us.

today i celebrate
the year that was
without you in my arms
without your eyes in my heart.
that night i first
saw you in the sanctuary,
sparks flew the minute
you smiled; i was mesmerized
but took a while before i
actually realized that
i loved you, at first sight.

tonight i remember the jeers
that we had, from that fateful night
of talks and coffee; i understand
the hesitation when we started talking.
you didn't want me to know
that our paths were destined
to cross, and separate; and yet,
we ventured into the night
and embraced whatever magic
befell us. did i not smile back
when you asked where to?

this month i bid adieu
once more to the life that i left
behind the closed blue door
now filled with nothing but the
memories of moans, and the foresight
of longing. you long not
for me anymore; your house is now filled
with a different scent. mine
is not your parfum no more; but it used
to be your favorite. darn mornings
that hurried me home. i shouldn't have
answered that call.

can i wait another year
to say goodbye to you? please
don't ask me that question ever
again; since you've chosen and i
have not. what answer do you seek
from me? i know
that you are happy in his arms
and i am saddened still by
the gloating remnants of what
used to be our day
our night
our month
but not our year.

God will understand.
if He does not understand,
he is not god; then,
there is nothing to worry.

orlando bloom
KINGDOM OF HEAVEN

i wonder if God understands me.
right now, i dunno if he does.
hey.

kung tutuusin
walang liwanag sa dulo
ng isang kuweba;
sinungaling ang nagsasabing
may pagkakataong bumangon
pagkatapos madapa.
sinong maniniwala sa nagsabing
may bukanliwayway sa paglisan
ng karimlan? hungkag lamang
ang maniniwala.