whah? i'm normal? heheh why?

You Are 70% Normal (Really Normal)

Otherwise known as the normal amount of normal You're like most people most of the time But you've got those quirks that make you endearing You're unique, yes... but not frighteningly so!

How Normal Are You?

faith cannot be broken,
only abandoned.

it rose - blistered
my dreams into unfathomable jolts
of mismatched orientations.
i stood up and wandered
relentlessly through the corridors;
dammit. i hate mornings.

i stepped out into the yard
and found no one there;
funny, i thought 'twas a wednesday.

seethingly unethical, i
foraged through the kitchen.
found nothing but pizza scraps,
last week's sour kraut.
my dead fish in a salad bowl.
i flinched.
darn mornings.

things i realized the past week was more than just enlightening. they were embarassing, humiliating and down-right nasty. take last night for example. i was a tad horny so i started texting people. these are a few of the reactions i got:

1: i am at the seminary trying to find inner peace. thanks for ruining my night.
2: talaga? are you sure? si... ito?
3: seryoso ka?
4: sino ka? i'm tracing people kasi.
5: sana anjan ako LOL
6: (tons of quotations)

oh, and one friend from highschool kept badgering me about a giving him a textmate. he was literally shouting at me for being tardy in answering back. let's just say we're not friends anymore.

then i got to thinking when i woke up this morning. what the hell was i texting these people for? just 'cause i had an itch in the crotch doesn't give me the privilege to invade their lives. dammit. conscience kicking in.
this morning, i started deleting numbers. lots and lots of numbers. even those people i've grown fond of. i mean, what's the point?

sa kamatayan lamang tayo
tunay na nakahahanap
ng ligaya't pagkakakligtas.
sa pagkakaluwal mula sa sinapupunan,
buhay na maramot ang unang sumasalubong sa atin;
ang kanlungang tahimik, basa at masikip
na siyang magbigay-katiyakan ng lahat
ay pilit inaagaw ng liwanag na nagmumula
sa siwang ng kapusukan at pagniniig ng puso.
tanging sa pag-agos ng nakalalasong tubig
ang siyang nakapagliligtas.

'pag ako'y namatay
ito ang gusto ko:

ayoko ng umiiyak;
gusto ko yung masaya.

gusto ko ng kamatayang nirapido;
ayoko iyong matagal at masalimuot.

gusto ko'y may musiko, mabagal na paghahatid;
ayoko ng mga de-kotse tsaka minabilis.

mas masarap siguro kung madaming nakikiramay
tsaka baha ang kape't biskwit.

tapos mas okey kung lahat
nakaitim, naghihinagpis.

okey di ba? pero, namputsa
sinong niloko ko?
gusto ko yung madaming umiiyak
para alam kong minahal ako ng iba;
gusto ko yung mabilis lang
(takot kasi ako sa dilim).
mas okey yung minadaling libing
para di nila ako ma-miss;
mas maganda din sa akin
kung wala nang burol;
baka mamaho pa ang bahay.

kapag ako'y namatay,
ito ang gusto ko:
gusto ko nandito ka sa tabi ko
para hindi ako matakot
pumikit at hagkan ka
sa huling pagkakataon.

in all honesty,
i am freakin' bored.

i was logging into YM just a few minutes ago. right after i did, i noticed my ex was also logged in. guess what i did - i logged off. dimwit. dammit.
i dunno why, but i had this impulse of logging off right after i saw the smiley lit up. was i still in denial? still in love? i guess not. hell no. not anymore. please, Lord. not anymore.
i spent the last few months/year hoping that i'd get over the ghost. can i talk to the person now? no. 'cause i chose not too. because the ex chooses not to as well.
with wedding plans lurking around the corner, i guess i need to get rid of any fantasies of wooing people who have no intentions of being wooed back.
i'm happy that we've all moved on - in our own ways.
i just don't like the fact that i can't talk with my ex's anymore. sayang ang friendship. but that's a decision we made, in light of the circumstances.
BTW, to you, thanks for deleting me from your online communities' friends list. i was briefly hurt, but realized it was for the better. it's for the common good, i guess.

Who'd have thought
This is how the pieces fit?
You and I
Shouldn't even try making sense of it
I forgot

How we ever came this far
I believe we had reasons
but I don't know what they are
So blame it on my heart, oh

Love moves in mysterious ways
It's always so surprising
When love appears over the horizon
I'll love you for the rest of my days
But still, it's a mystery
How you ever came to me
Which only proves
Love moves in mysterious ways

Heaven knows
Love is just a chance we take
We make plans
But then love demands a leap of faith
So hold me close
And never let me go
'Cause even though we think we know
which way the river flows
That's not the way love goes, no

Love moves in mysterious ways
It's always so surprising
When love appears over the horizon
I'll love you for the rest of my days
But still, it's a mystery
How you ever came to me
Which only proves
Love moves in mysterious ways

Like the ticking of the clock
two hearts beat as one
But I'll never understand
the ways it's done

Love moves in mysterious ways
It's always so surprising
When love appears over the horizon
I'll love you for the rest of my days
But still, it's a mystery
How you ever came to me
Which only proves
Love moves in mysterious ways
Love moves in mysterious ways

LOVE MOVES IN MYSTERIOUS WAYS
nina

hey. i'm still breathing.
keep close peeps. :)

i had to blog today.
it was a day after the deluge that struck me, and guess what? i'm not over it.
my life sucks, and i can'r get over the fact that i can't get over it. dammit.

Sometimes I get emotional
Sometimes I do some stupid things
Sometimes I say what I should just keep inside
Sometimes I'm sad about everything
Sometimes I'm mad and break some things
Sorry times 10 but you just got in the way

EMOTIONAL
diana degarmo

yesterday, i realized i puffed more phillip morris than i had to. dammit, i was down in the dumps. 'tang ina talaga yung kalbong yun. thank you, inspector for making my life miserable again. 'found this poem by mel on pinoypoets.

Ang sakim na nasang sa puno'y dumampi,
Naglakbay sa dawag ng inip, lunggati
At noong ang dulo'y payapang narating
Naabong panahon, sa bagang maningning.

Ang bagot, nilunok, usok nang niluwa
Lungkot ang kapiling, pangarap ay tuwa.
Ang lakad ng oras sa pusong nilisan
Bilangin sa upos na nagtatangisan.

Ang dagdag na upos sa abong talaksan
Dagdag sa panahong pinaglilipasan.
Ang putol sa habang ipinagmamayabang
Bawas din sa buhay na ayaw ingatan.

Sa dilim na aking kinasasadlakan
Sigarilyong tangi ang pinanggagalingan
Ng maliwanag na apoy kong pananglaw,
Ng init sa gabing sa puso'y bumahaw.

Batid kong sa bawat hayok kong paghithit
Minamadali kong hininga'y mapatid.
Ang demonyong sanib nitong sigarilyo
Anghel sa tingin kong ang diwa'y tuliro.

SIGARILYO
Mel
Abril 8, 2005

i mean, i do some stupid things sometimes, but that doesn't justify him making me feel so small. thank you sa 'yo ha? just when i thought i've gotten over my inferiority complex, you barge in and splash me with a big pailful of inferiority slush. grabe.
people might react, and say i'm OVER-REACTING to the situation. try being in that same position as i was yesterday, and how'd you feel? okay lang sana kung kami lang ang nagkarinigan. e hindi. a few graduates glanced at us, a few teachers were looking, and some parents who sat beside where i stood were startled. talk abour humiliation 101. do they teach that in law school, inspector? dammit. i thought lawyers were low, but not rock bottom. but you, you take the cake. bah!

The sadness within these walls is the quiet
sadness of space itself; invisible, inescapable.
And hollow, like a forgotten well I'd like to fill up
with flood waters, lava, or quick-drying cement.
Departures are never as swift as the flick of a light
switch, or as definitive as the collapse into dust
cloud and rubble of a tall building under engineered
blasts of planted dynamite. You walk out in particles,

leaving granulated good-byes like very fine sand. I'm
sure some remnant of your reflection is still around,
bouncing off yet another conniving surface. Like once,

stepping out of the shower towel-drying my hair,
I caught the elongated image of your tanned body
mirrored by the metal door frame's shiny handle. So
you're still within these walls, zipping in perpetual
motion, an amorphous mass of energized atoms in some
theoretical physics equation where the effect of
friction is suspended. You're still here, though
not as I would have it: seated on the bed, your back
against last night's pillows, your arm outstretched,
pointing the remote control at a flickering screen.
You're here in fragments. I gather your presence
with each sweeping of the floor, the way a poem
remembers its former drafts, collecting dead skin
cells of former selves.

IN ABSENTIA
Sid Gomez Hildawa

inasmuch as i would like to write poems, i couldn't. it's like i've been drained of who i was. dammit.

NG: (taps on the shoulder) anong papel mo dito? anong committee mo?
EA: documentation po.
NG: documentation ng ano?
EA: ng graduation po.
NG: sinong nag-appoint sa iyo?
EA: sila po...
NG: umalis ka dyan; you're disrupting the graduation rites.

three words. puta'ng ina mo. whoever made you god? aba! gago ka din ano?! i was sweating my head off for the whole day, holding that darn camera, taking YOUR pictures, and you had the nerve to say that. damn you dawg!

i did not volunteer to become your slave for the day. the administration assigned me to do it. i was OBLIGATED to do it. you know what, inspector gadget, i didn't mind being under the sun; didn't mind looking like the rest of the photographers who were hunched around the front end of the stage; didn't mind being bossed around by most of you - but this, this takes the cake!

puta'ng ina. the least that you dimwits could have done was say thank you to us. instead, you continued mocking us by pointing, and laughing and making us feel even more unworthy to be called colleagues.

for the first time in my stay here in this school, today had got to be one of the worst i've ever had. those eyes, your rage. dammit, i was scared in all honesty.

i think the only consolation i got today was the fact that most of you didn't know the meaning of "engender" - a term used by this afternoon's guest speaker. bah! i hate you.

people who know me know that i take anger to the death. and i'm pretty angry at you, inspector, right now.

I walk a lonely road
The only one I that have ever known
Don't know were it goes
But its home and I walk alone

I walk this empty street
On the Blvd. of broken dreams
Were the city sleeps
And I'm the only one and I walk alone

My shadows the only one that walks beside me
My shallow hearts the only thing that's beating
Sometimes I wish someone out there will find
Till then I'll walk alone

Ah-Ah Ah-Ah Ah-Ah Ahhh
Ah-Ah Ah-Ah Ah-Ah Ahhh

I'm walking down the line
That divides me somewhere in my mind
On the border line of the edge
And were I walk alone

Read between the lines of what's
F**ked up and every things all right
Check my vital signs to know I'm still alive
And I walk alone

I walk alone
I walk alone
I walk alone
I walk a...

My shadows the only one that walks beside me
My shallow hearts the only thing that's beating
Sometimes I wish someone out there will find
Till then I'll walk alone

Ah-Ah Ah-Ah Ah-Ah Ahhh
Ah-Ah Ah-Ah Ah-Ah Ahhh

I walk this empty street
On the Blvd. of broken dreams
Were the city sleeps
And I'm the only one and I walk a..

My shadows the only one that walks beside me
My shallow hearts the only thing that's beating
Sometimes I wish someone out there will find
Till then I'll walk away!

BOULEVARD OF BROKEN DREAMS
green day

i'm reposting this poem in response to a comment i received from pinoypoets. they said i didn't use enough imagery. i guess i didn't want to.

have no fear of the unknown;
step out into the open,
fearless of the perils ahead.
move towards that place, where
your heart rests in silence;
there where tears run dry, and saints
fall to the ground like dead leaves,
and yet smile still, as you
conquer that place.
quiver not of the ghastly sights
that stop you from pushing forward;
they distract, but can do nothing
against what your spirit can deliver.
look forward to the impending silence
that haunts ev'ry evening
ev'ry dawn; accept fear as
it accepts you. make it
your own, as it owns you;
own your fears.

GOD BLESS MY FEARS

'was browsing through my email of pinoypoets, and found this one from de Ungria, among others. interesting how he plays with words, but actually means my favorite pastime (or at least that's how i interpret it. baka manyak lang talaga ako).

Spirits of Their Glass
Ricardo M. de Ungria

1.
Into the fork
Of her emotions

he thrust
His starmost song—

that in the milk
of her silences

his piercings
may lose their whiteness

and her pores lap
his nameless soul

and ease him down
her aeries wakefully.


2.
Spirit of light
in the aeries

of her east
his starmost song.

The kissed heart
lifts, exposed.

And into his breath
she sinks her wideness

until
to his tongue

she comes—
the word waited for.

luring all
he could not understand


After EDSA 3
Gemino Abad

And we are nowhere still, hostile to process
And living mostly on the surface of things,
Captive to our Imp’s “metaphysics” of happiness—
A spate of all the world’s amber mornings.

For we blink the sad, dark faces of things,
The razz and dazzle of our Imp’s humor—
Flux of all the world’s electric mornings—
Blank time’s malice to rouse our spirit’s ichor.

O razz and sparkle of our Imp’s humor,
Such gristle as shatters the tyrant’s laws,
Voids history’s ills, and fires our spirit’s liquor
Where coups vaporize in politics without clews!

What Imp’s grit to scatter the despot’s laws!
And because our fathers loved us, their sins fade
Where ventures choke in scams without clews.
Brief triumph! hubbub and rabble of barricade.

And because our kin are loved, their follies fade
Where shanties barnacle our suffocated creeks.
Fleet glory! and baffle and babble retrograde,
Our Imp still rules, and our laughter leaks.

Where our shacks totter over poisoned creeks,
The thief’s our saint who had faith and was saved.
The Imp enthralls yet where our carnival leaks;
But here is no country still, our honchos depraved.

The thief goes scot-free, by a helicopter saved,
The Imp outwits our writ of habeas loot.
No logic avails, no country where lawyers rave,
Everything is soon forgot, all heroics for naught.

Yet our wit is wound with wounds that wail,
Captive to our Imp’s “metaphysics” of happiness.
We bear our father’s sins ever without bail,
And we are nowhere still, hostile to process.


A Kind of Burning
Ophelia Dimalanta

it is perhaps because
one way or the other
we keep this distance
closeness will tug as apart
in many directions
in absolute din
how we love the same
trivial pursuits and
insignificant gewgaws
spoken or inert
claw at the same straws
pore over the same jigsaws
trying to make heads or tails
you take the edges
i take the center
keeping fancy guard
loving beyond what is there
you sling at the stars
i bedeck the weeds
straining in song or
profanities towards some
fabled meeting apart
from what dreams read
and suns dismantle
we have been all the hapless
lovers in this wayward world
in almost all kinds of ways
except we never really meet
but for this kind of burning.

***
have no fear of the unknonwn;
step out, fearless, into the open.
- the late Pope John Paul II

funny. for the last few days since the death of the pope, i could not stop crying everytime a special about him flashed on TV. it's like i have this connection with the pope that i don't even know we had, but do.
seedy and surreal as it may sound, i feel really bad that this pope died in my time. and why shouldn't i be. he's the only pope i've ever known.

***
1995. i was in my senior year in high school when the pope visited the philippines. i was chosen to be part of the celebration of the 1995 world youth day celebrations here in lipa. i was third youth city councilor.
i've never seen the pope upclose. but everytime i see his pictures on the tube now, i cry. it's like i've always believed he'd still be alive until i die. he was my patriarch - a father i never saw in mine, since mine was too stupid to act as one.

he was my replacement father.

have no fear of the unknown;
step out into the open,
fearless of the perils ahead.
look forward to the impending silence
that haunts ev'ry evening
ev'ry dawn; accept fear as
it accepts you. make it
your own, as it owns you;
own your fears.


Of all the things I believe in
I just want to get it over with
tears from behind my eyes
but I do not cry
Counting the days that past me by

I've been searching deep down in my soul
Words that I'm hearing are starting to get old
Looks like I'm starting all over again
The last three years were just pretend and I say

Goodbye to you
Goodbye to everything I thought I knew
You were the one I love
The one thing that I tried to hold on to

I still get lost in your eyes
And it seems like I can't live a day without you
Closing my eyes till you chase my thoughts away
To a place where I am blinded by the light but it's not right

Goodbye to you
Goodbye to everything I thought I knew
You were the one I loved
The one thing that I tried to hold on to

Ohhh yeah
It hurts to want everything & nothing at the same time
I want whats yours and I want whats mine
I want you but I'm not giving in this time

Goodbye to you
Goodbye to everything I thought I knew
You were the one I loved
The one thing that I tried to hold on to
The one thing that I tried to hold on to

Goodbye to you
Goodbye to everything I thought I knew
You were the one I loved
The one thing that I tried to hold on to

We the stars fall and I lie awake
Your my shooting star

GOODBYE TO YOU
michelle branch


goodbye my pope. goodbye pops.
hey.