excepts from my latest book "KAWALAN". watch out for it in your nearest stores early october... not! hehehe i could lend it to you if you like.

1
ha?! san jose pa lang?
antagal ko nang nagtitiis na makamtan
ang pitang naglalaro sa haraya
kailan ko makakamtan ang kalayaang pinapangarap
ng mga tulad kong pinaglaruan ng tadhana
ng makailang sandaling paulit-ulit?...

2
sino tayong nagkukubli mula sa liwanag?
nagtatago mula sa mapanuring mata
at mapanghusgang puso
kakatwa itong pakikipagsapalaran
ng ating mga pita...

3
having dinner with you tonight
feels awkward
but nice
seeing you smile back at me like that
like things were okay between us
i guess they are
in a freakish kind of way...

things have never been the same
since you came to my life
let's face it
you made me bounce back
after bitches and shrinks left me for dead
you came, and saved me
without questions asked.

when you came into my life
everything stood still
time elapsed without notice
the sun unwittingly hides in incognizance
beyond the horizons
what luck have i landed upon now?
(smile) you make me smile.

days pass and we stand aloft
unaware, unmindful of the atrocity that may unfold
woest me i shudder not of things that may come
unlike lone foxes that decide to fear not,
even though they still do after taking flight
heck, what care have you blessed
this tired, tattered soul?

and in the darkness of the night
we hug and drown in each's breath
but suddently trapped by the reality that
we are not together
missing you is not the hard part about loving you
you're too beautiful for that.

things have never been the same.
as they should be.
as it will be,
for a while.

yours, tuesdays,
oink oink.

missing you is not the hardest part about loving you.
it's not being able to kiss you endlessly that cripples me.
what's hard about loving you is not trapping you in my arms,
whisperinging "i love you" close to your ears
and you hearing me breathe heavily, until i doze off to dreamland.

missing you is not the hardest part about loving you.
it's not seeing you sleep in my bed
and not knowing what time you come home from work.
what's hard about it is longing to take baths with you over and again
and not minding if we tiptoe naked out of the shower
and jumping to bed all wet and dripping.

missing you is not the hardest part about loving you.
it's not seeing your eyes stare at mine
and smiling all night, all day until we realize
that things may never be easy for us, but we do not care.
what's important is that we have each other
singing happy tuesdays with resounding jaunt and euphoria.

missing you is not the hardest part about loving you.
not having tuesdays is.

when night crawls unto us
and entraps our shadows
in endless ripples of din,
extend your hands through the darkness
mine will be there to hold yours.

we'll dream of each other,
drowning in each's arms and
staring at each other's eyes-
dozing off together-
hearts held, hands clasped,
thinking that things like these
would last forever;
but forever only lasts as long as it does,
and reality kicks in,
going for the kill
but i don't worry.
hopefully, neither do you
because in our hearts
we sleep tonight, holding on to our hearts
together finiding that path
to dreams that once shared with others-
bitchy shrinks, and another immature heartthrob-
but now we share, tonight.

silence is our vengeance.
and happy tuesdays are our sanctuary.
truly yours,
oink oink

with little faith that i have
in this putrid heart
i smile at your wholehearted love
my eyes are sad, yes
but they will not be forever.

truly yours,
oink oink

you calling me up like that
gives me the goosebumps (but in a good way)
thank you for smiling at my messages
you make me smile as well.

keep close. specially on tuesdays.

what we do doesn't define
who we are
what defines us is how well
we get up after we fall

i guess i've always been lousy
with getting up
there's only one "getting up" i'm goot at
and even that gets me
into a lot of crap
we define ourselves by
how well we carry our souls
and stay afloat for as long as we could
just because we've more strength
than we ever expect ourselves
to have had

i am bewitched by you
your tantalizing eyes
your coy smirks, your inevitable kisses
what more could i ask for
than the gates of heaven themselves -
i'd open them, and carry you inside.

corny ain't i?
geez, what the hell.

Interesting facts from a close friend

The average chocolate bar has eight insects’ legs in it. - BUT IT DOES HELP YOU BECOME MORE ADEPT IN EXAMS RIGHT?
The average human eats 8 spiders in their lifetime at night… while asleep! - GOOD THING I DON'T SLEEP THAT MUCH
A cockroach can live nine days without its head before it starves to death. - WITHOUT HEAD? HMMM... LOL
A rhinoceros horn is made of compacted hair. - I WONDER HOW MANY BALD PEOPLE COULD BENEFIT FROM IT?
The shortest war in history was between Zanzibar and England in 1896. Zanzibar surrendered after 38 minutes. - I'VE HEARD ABOUT THINGS THAT SURRENDER FASTER THAN THAT.
A polar bear’s skin is black. Its fur is not white, but actually clear. - RUN THAT TO ME AGAIN?
Donald Duck comics were banned in Finland because he doesn’t wear pants. -NEITHER DO I AT NIGHT. I DON'T WEAR UNDERWEAR TOO.
‘Stewardesses’ is the longest word typed with only the left hand. - I ONLY USE THREE FRINGERS WHEN TYPING.
Shakespeare invented the words ‘assassinate’ and ‘bump’. - HE BUMPED HIS HEAD WHILE DODGING AN ASSASSIN, I GUESS
Marilyn Monroe has six toes. - I HAVE SEVEN MOLES ON MY... LOL
If you keep a goldfish in the darkroom, it will eventually turn white. - WHO WOULDN'T?
Women blink nearly twice as much as men. - MEN EAT NEARLY TWICE AS WOMEN'S WEIGHT AT TIMES.
Right handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left handed people do. - GOOD THING I'M RIGHT-HANDED.
The name of all the continents ends with the same letter that they start with. - MINE DOESN'T. WOULD SOUND FUNNY.. CARLC?
Typewriter is the longest word that can be made using letters only one row of the keyboard. - WHY BOTHER TYPING IT?
If the population of China walked past you in single file, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction. - GO CHINA! LOL
The words racecar and kayak are the same whether they are read left to right or right to left. - WHOA?
A snail can sleep for three years. - WICH I COULD DO THAT TOO. BUT I GOT NO TIME.
The electric chair was invented by a dentist. - AND SO WAS THE JACKHAMMER?
You share your birthday with at least 9 million other people in the world. - AND THERE'S NO OTHER PERSON I'D LIKE TO SPEND IT WITH BUT YOU.

thoughts for the week

any moment
i'm turning off my mobile
take care, my paopao

!!!

tuesdays i will love from now on
goodnight paopao
you're keeping me up again :)
aylabyu! LOL
geez, can you get any cornier?

tuesday, martes, i love you :*

!!!

good morning paopao
just woke up
don't be guilty
it's my fault
i actually woke up at around 6
but i dozed off again LOL
have a great day too.

!!!

awww, how could i not like you?
it's your fault if i fall for you
i just hope that
it wouldn't be too painful to bear

every happiness, they say,
has an equivalent sadness.

thoughts that corrode my personage
how many times have things like these
happen to me? to us?
should we even ask? i don't think so.

yours truly,
oink oink

!!!

crap.

havin' a bad day. one of my kids pissed me off today. i felt really bad. the tactless comments came from one of my kids. and it hurts like shit. hurts really deep.

!!!

am staying up late tonight. don't know if i'll even get sleep. exhibit b's giving me a hard time. i think she's starting to nag. if she keeps this up, i dunno what i'll do. f***.

!!!

it's gonna be a long night
it's gonna be cold without you around...
lost in your arms, baby.
lost in your arms...

truly yours
oink oink

something my friend gibb posted over at his myspace.

Definitions for modern times

Beauty Parlor – a place where women curl up and dye

Cannibal – someone who is fed up with people

Chickens – the only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead

Committee – a body that keeps minutes and wastes hours

Gossip – a person who will never tell a lie if the truth will do more damage

Handkerchief – cold storage

Inflation – cutting money in half without damaging the paper

Secret – something you tell one person at a time

Yawn – an honest opinion openly expressed

Tomorrow – one of the greatest labor saving devices of today

An accountant is someone who knows the cost of everything and the value of nothing.

An auditor is someone who arrives after the battle and bayonets all the wounded.

A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain. (Mark Twain)

An economist is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn’t happen today.

A statistician is someone who is good with numbers but lacks the personality to be an accountant.

An actuary is someone who brings a fake bomb on a plane, because that decreases the chances that there will be another bomb on the plane. (Laurence J. Peter)

A programmer is someone who solves a problem you didn’t know you had in a way you don’t understand.

A mathematician is a blind man in a dark room looking for a black cat which isn’t there. (Charles Darwin)

A topologist is a man who doesn’t know the difference between a coffee cup and a doughnut.

A lawyer is a person who writes a 10,000-word document and calls it a “brief.” (Franz Kafka)

A psychologist is a man who watches everyone else when a beautiful girl enters the room.

A professor is one who talks in someone else’s sleep.

A schoolteacher is a disillusioned woman who used to think she liked children.

A consultant is someone who takes the watch off your wrist and tells you the time.

A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.

i won a three-day-two-night accommodation from Days Hotel-Batangas today. Yipee *jump jump*

***




MY KIDS
a tribute
PART 1

joei let's face it. joei has always been one of the closest among the lot. she's been by my side for God knows since when. being the most senior among the DJs, i take pride in knowing that joei has evolved from mere childish cook to a powerful woman that, although shaken by love (as her TATAY), knows what we deserve to have in life.

frances probably the most vocal among the group. this angel of the airwaves is not saddened by the loss of a possible love that lasts. but what i like about her is that she keeps holding on. no matter what. unlike some people i know. no pun intended.

THE BOYS harvey, lance, flint, kobe together with madmaxx, they form the formidable "guy" force on radio. i am happy that kobe and harvey i am starting to get along with. lance has always been a favorite. and flint i admire for his resilience.

amanda and spice our tall and beautiful. what these gals have proven to me is that beauty and brains can be contained in one body. kudos to you, mga anak.

phoenix a child at heart and at views, phoenix is just starting to break out of her shell. i know in time, she's going to be a force to reckon with in her craft.

pepper sweet and spicy at the same time. she can be quirky, and serious, and angry, and malambing. this is pepper. so proud of the woman that she is.

SO ENDS PART 1 OF MY TRIBUTE. WATCH OUT FOR THE REST OF IT.

sincerely yours. oink oink.

someone was pretty mad when they sent me this. couldn't blame them. twas my fault after all. but i'm not saying sorry this time. it's too late for that.

first of all, i did not judge you. i know
you the way i know you because that's how you've
presented yourself. you claim it's not just about the
urges, that it's something deeper than that, but i
know better. it's your nature. however, at the back of
my mind, i'd hope you'd find it in your heart to
change your ways but i guess that really isn't
possible.

whatever my friends do, i have complete
confidence in them. but i don't want any of them to
experience what i had with you. whether you were drunk
that night or not, i know for a fact that you'd still
have control over your actions. and you said it
yourself, if you can vividly recall (which i highly
doubt you can), you're one who can master yourself
under whatever alcoholic influence. i guess you'll
just have the alcohol as your convenient excuse. but
you can't fool me.

this all seem familiar to you? it should. coz we've been
through this before. and you never learn. you just
don't. but within the same context, neither do i. i
may not have given you the time to show me what you
truly are, and i'm sorry for that. but you really
haven't given me enough reason to do so anyway. that
part of me that sincerely wanted to get to know you
more and let you know me is slowly dying. i'd so want
us to be more than bitching shrinks but i feel that
things have jumped from complicated to chaotic.

and as for us and what we are, i don't know. bitchy
shrinks would do for now. i seriously would've fought
for you had you shown me you were worth fighting for,
had you made THAT choice. so if you're still wallowing
in sadness, the loneliness, your hell as you put it,
get outta there. you've no right to stay there. unless
you admit to yourself that you're a fish, i don't
think you can swim very far. catch my drift?

oh and by the way, i'm kinda annoyed how you use the
'ancient one out. blah blah ever.' ending all the time
for your blogs. unoriginal much? so sue me.

why did i have to post it? to remind me that we don't always get what we want. we don't always get what we think is right. but we definitely get what we deserve.
do i deserve this? i guess.

officiously yours,
oink oink.

the other night, when we went out for dinner, i thought everything was turning out okay for us. i guess i was wrong. dead wrong.
what happened?
all the while i thought i was getting my friend back. that we were finally getting over what happened. that we were turning new leaves, trunks, stumps, and the whole tree for cryin' out loud.
i guess i was wrong. yet again.
the other night, when i bought you the cake, and you smiled at me- i thought i was getting back the person i used to care for so much. that i was winning over the terrestrial visionary, even if it meant me going down on my knees and pleading for forgiveness for the atrocity that i caused that poor soul.
was i wrong yet again?
you told me i haven't really won your trust back. hey, i wasn't even trying to. because i know it would take a miracle to win you back. i am not that hopeful. i am not that optimistic. never was, after everything happened.
what happened to us, brave one?
i was shocked when you said those things to me. out of the blue, you shifted from nice, cool and sassy to enraged, stark mad and petrifying. was i angry with what you did? i was. very. but i didn't want to make things worse for us. not now. not never. but i never thought you could judge me so coldly. was i hurt? i was. deeply. as if you didn't know the real me. all you saw was the exoskeleton. what of the other skins? sadly i trod my way home. sad. angry. confused. estranged more than ever.
what happened to us ectar?
i got no idea.

ancient one out. of my mind.

this afternoon, i cried over the "john lloyd-bea" flick (forgot the title) was cying a river before the film called it curtains. don't know why. have i become very sarcastic? romantic? or just plain corny?
***
there is nothing bad with being called cony, though. a lot of people have been corny at one point or another. had to be. so they could accept the fact that they were more than human beings. they were people.
and that they did not regret a single moment that they were. because it made them feel each other's throbbing hearts more.
***
is it difficult being corny?
not really. just a bit awkward sometimes. wait. lotsa times. but personally, i love being corny. makes me feel all tinggly inside. hehehe
***
have i been corny? once too many. believe me.
have i ever decided to stop being corny? lotsa times.
have i stopped? hell no.

ancient one out. frolicking happily.
for a brief moment.

i got a salary increase today. happy? no. this means the deductions would almost equal the salary. but hey, what the heck. at least i get tot taste real money. finally.
bad cheetah.

***

of all the things
that life delivers to my doorsteps
none is more wonderful
to look forward to
than you smiling at me
when we meet by chance
and knowing that though
there are differences between us
we set them aside sometimes
just to remember
that we were once
more than friends.

***

the other day me and the kids decided to go for a pictorial for the new banner i was planning to have for the foundation day celebration at school. just felt like we had to have a pictorial (this after deciding to have our own jerseys made for the upcoming PISTAKASAN 04) dunno what came over me. i just thought i needed to prove something. for the kids. for myself.

***





my kids striking poses for tatay.
what atrocity i drag my kids into
i hope my kids would forgive me for posting their pictures here
or not.

***

i saw her today.
without expecting that i would.
and i did. i was glad.
what love sparkles in your eyes
whenever our souls meet;
even if it is halfway.
even if everything is frantic
and was almost losing hope
almost forgetting how each other smelled
all of a sudden, i saw you today.
and it felt great.

ancient one out. on the streets.
drinking coffee. taking long walks.
care to join me?

what little faith we have
in the hands of death
and salvation
what valiant pursuits of love we crave for
even in the absence of triumph
even in the realization that winning
is never an option.

something sugar wrote for her boyfriend. never thought my kids were such hopeless romantics. hail to the lovesick DJs who love, let live, get hurt, and rise above the atrocity of love and losing!
MAY OUR TRIBE INCREASE...
(hear that fearless? heheh no pun intended)
***

DADY,

I always tell you how much I love you… I'm pretty sure that you know that I do… I wish that the words I speak so gently to you could be heard by your heart with the same soft feelings of love that they carry from deep within me…
For more than you know… I love so many things about you. More than just the way you hold me and warmth you give… I enjoy sharing life with you, the way we balance each other out, how we share the good times and bad specially support each other through the tears…I enjoy the knowledge that we'll make it through whatever life brings with courage and with love through the years..
More than I can ever say…
I feel a wonderful thankfulness in my heart… just for you…
And I want you to remember, through ups and down...
I LOVE YOU AND I ALWAYS WILL…
HAPPY MONTHSARY DADY!!

***

can't wait to drown in love again. and again. and again.
(just no choosing aight?)

they're tearing down a couple of buildings today. the new governor wants to put up a complex for the offices. 'heard he was also transferring the provincial capitol. wow. really optimistic he's staying for a while on the guv'ner seat.

***
SAYING HAPPY CAMPUS LISTENING TO THE FOLLOWING!
Pic & Save Supermarket and Department Store
Le Elegancia Café
Kodak Batangas
Kambingan sa Talyer
Jollibee (Batangas)
N dela Rosa Bus Station
Paradise Fashion
Supreme Bus Station
Superama Batangas
Ruby’s Ice Cream House
Ka Mila’s Photocopy Center
Shakey’s Batangas
Grematima Morales Interdata
Boardwalk
21st Café
Mr. JOM’s Foodhaus
Old house Comp.shop
Edgar’s Photocopy Center
RRJ-Bay City mall
Staff & Crew of Batangas Regional Hospital/Different Strokes
De Chavez Pharmacy
Staff & Crew of DC Gems Catering, esp. to ate Lyn, Mads, Lea & sa Babaeng Ice Cream & to all listeners there sa bagong Canteen
Lahat ng Jeepney Drivers, tricycle drivers, esp. sa biyaheng Capitolyo, Hospital, Swa, Lipa, Alangilan-ingat po sa pagmamaneho
Brgy Capt. of Kumintang Ibaba-Mr.Siegfredo Bagsit Sr.,tita Precy , Pitit & Pukoy.,the SK Council of Kum. Ibaba. To all Student Assts.
Lyceum of Batangas Offices
Property Office (Mr. Artem Montalbo, Mr Erwin Aseron,& Ms.Sheryl.
Registrar’s Office (Mrs. Fe Rabanal Medina)
Cashier,s Office (Mrs Cayetana Agena)
Accounting Office (Mrs. Norma Ayag)
Maintenance Office (Mr. Adrasto Godoy)
HRMDO (Mrs. Amelia de los Santos)
Clinic (Mrs. Siony Barretto)
Guidance & Testing Center (Mrs. Lucille Portugal, mam Bay & Ms. Teena de Ocampo
Student Affairs Office (Mr. Nestor Gajete)
Systems Office (Mr. Ferdie Felicen & Ricky)
Research & Publication Office ( Mrs. Nelds Garcia, Ms.Joy Jaucian & Ms. Renelle Dumagco)

***

bitchy.
freakin' bitchy.
that's what the shrinks have evolved unto.
are we happy about it?
yes.
in a very quaint, dark way.
choosing to become minions
of nothing but pure disgust for the other
and yet, finding the reason
to smile at each other
whenever chance plays with us
and our eyes meet
and my hand lands on your shoulder.
how do you feel?
i still long for you at times.
but we have left each other no choice.
no choice at all.
so we remain bitchy.
just plain freakin' bitchy.
forgetting we ever had a past to call our own
or a love we would like to forget
but how?

becoming bitchy.
that's how.

summer is here
i'm still waiting there
winter is here
i'm still waiting there
waiting in vain

***

have i waited in vain for too long?
i guess. and reality didn't just bite me.
it slapped me on the face,
robbed me blind,
and gave me a good spanking on the ass.

***

summer is here
i'm still waiting there
winter is here
i'm still waiting there.

hopefully not forever waiting.
dammit.

i am pissed off.
really pissed off. got a lot of things happening today.
people are buzzing that i'm hogging the laboratory i man.
geez, as if i'm like that.
am i?
***
one of my college professors approached me this afternoon and told me that people in my department had ill feeling towards me. dammit. you put order and organization in their midst and they despise you for being organized.
(or OC?)
***
i found myself riding a jeepney, and trekking the way towards the mall. (or the poor excuse for one.) wind against my face, sickening thoughts befell me. damnmit.
***
oh, what the hell. f*** them.
i am pissed off, ain't i?

ancient one out. and rampaging.
***

my kids...
the best damn people i've ever met on this side of radio land.
what luck the heavens have blessed me
for having had found them.



what more can a father ask from HIM when he has given me such beautiful obedient children that love and cherish him back?

***

last saturday, we went out for a pictorial for our new banner.
wala lang. gusto lang namin. heheh
and my kids look fabulous..

***

that same night, we went to lipa to visit fearless' lair. had a few drinks, a couple of laughs, met new friends, reminisced some memories. even the hurtful ones.

***

funny. i thought i was over it. turns out i wasn't. not until i heard about the things that were going around. hey, how could you have insinuated that i'd kiss and tell like that? 'thought you were better than that. 'guess i was wrong. i'm always wrong. take care, you.

ancient one out. in the cold.

***

kahit kailan
hindi naging masama ang isipin,
ang unahin natin
ang sariling kapakanan.

***

some people are born leaders.
others are born to run...away.
what subtle thoughts linger
in the abyss of silence shrieks?
i sit here,
loudly absurd and unabated
but never noticed.
dammit.

***

this afternoon i cried over THEN CAME POLLY starring "zoolander" guy ben stiller and "friends" girl jennifer aniston. of all the corniest and zaniest(?) flicks i saw this year, (that including the riveting STARSKY AND HUTCH. no pun intended) i had to cry over this film. why? how should i know.
oh, wait. i do.

***

there were lines i heard at the last part of the film that bothered me. (see the film, if you like, to catch what caught my attention- that or rent the DVD, and just play disc 2, and forward it to the last few sequences. but it is not advised for people with the same habits that i have. trust me.)

***

why do we choose people, things just because they're the less risky option? and why do we opt to not choose when choosing is called for? don't ask me. choosing is not one of my best talents.


ancient one out. of misery?
yah, right.

Wala lang
(random thoughts)

Okay po.
Ako pa rin naman ang baby mo.
Basta ikaw pa rin ang daddy ko.
Miss kita.

***

I'm such a loser. Dammit.

***

I'm not the bad guy. I'm not.

***

Please stay with me. Tonight. Please? Stay?

***

I prowl the night in darkness,
Forever in darkness.

***

Never say surrender.

Spidey

We are who we choose to be
Souls trapped in endless karma
Fire, burning our hearts
Misery, we chose in lieu of friendship

People are who we chose them to be
Angst lingering in our misty eyes
Lungs, collapsed after crying all night
Chandlers of thought
Dearth of cognizance
Bearers of mistrust and atrocity

We are who the Fates have chosen us to become
Misers, uncomfortable with who we dictate
Our hearts to shout out
Masters of none, jack of all
What misled fearlessness my choices have reaped
And what nothingness engulf us at night
When lights are dimmed and
Your eyes are nowhere to be found.


F Mark

Wanted to go all out corny
And greet you at 12midnight
But my head's throbbing already
So here's to you-
Great guy. Intelligent.
Strong. Fearless. Cheers.

(And that got you where?)

Kapeng barako

I feel bitter
Why do you treat me like this
And why are you forcing me
To become indifferent towards you
We have long reduced ourselves
To shrinks of the other
But what have we now
What are we but bitter

I feel awful
Not seeing you has never been this hurtful
But have I any choice?

Pagsilang (an excerpt)

Bilang na ang araw ng pagdating ng manunubos.
Ilang sandali na lamang at muling sisilay
Sa bukana ng dalampasigan
Ang alab ng galit at paniniil.
Humanda ka, tao, sa kanyang pagdating.

Letting go

Saying goodbyes is hard enough;
Letting go is another story.
When things go from good to worse,
What little faith we have
We then turn to.

Was I saddened that Exhibit A's git took flight?
Hell no. I was happy.
Evil, ain't I?
Cut me some slack.
I'm being honest here.
I still believe there's a chance for us
To be together again
(However absurd that idea may be)
I DID get over you. It took a while.
A long while.
But I got through it.
I think.

Twins

Pure din
Unadulterated din
What blinding joy such noise creates
What melodic chaos engulfs us entirely?
And never grow tired of it.

Mesmerized and saddened by the fortunes
I succumb to that bewildering cacophony-
Ever alone, yet beriddled by silence
Ev'ry now and then
Ha! You think I'd despise that disruption
That feeds on my tattered soul?
But I did not. Never have.
Never will.

Glorious nocturnal moans
Shower me endlessly in euphoric melancholy!
Intrude my silent nooks
And explore my insides
My crannies all swollen with angst
And enervated hopes truant from the start.

I am not the bad guy. I am not.
Like what the Fates jest of
I remain their captive slave-
Forever reveling in their pools of anarchy
What pure abomination chaos creates?
And what shards fall close to our doors?
Will I be free of what misled candor I possess?
Maybe never
But I am not complaining
Din engulfs me like a warm cloak
In the sharp, nippy night
I welcome it with open arms
An open heart
A tattered soul.

i found that the oracle was engaged.
and i am torn. shards everywhere.
i shouldn't be.
but i am. silly pig.
you wouldn't answer me before
because you thought
i was still hung up on you.
'guess what.
i still am. dammit.

death be my final solace.

WHAT LITTLE ATROCITIES
WE WEAVE FOR OURSELVES
AND WHAT SILENT CRIES WE HIDE
IN THE NOOKS OF THE HEART
ONLY TO FIND THAT WE
ARE SLAVES OF THE FEELINGS
THAT WE THOUGHT
WE'VE FORGOTTEN, AND LEFT BEHIND.

***

a few nights ago i fought with fearless over something petty. i was under the spirit of unconscious blabbering when i started texting him stuff. i was mad about something and was looking for someone to talk to. going out drinking alone has never been fun for me. anywho, i was saying stuff, and he bitched me up. i grew furious, and said some things i shouldn't have said - this i do often to him, and to my other friends. he answered back. and i thought that was the end of our friendship.

***

last night, i tried going out to have my ink cartridge refilled (no budget for a new one *wink wink*). along the way i was practicing what i'd say to him. i mean, hey, i did the guy a bad thing. the least that i could do was say sorry (although i did the morning after we fought over SMS). but it was a school night so i didn't expect him to be there anyway. but he WAS there.

***

DID I SAY ANYTHING WRONG?
OR HAVE I FORSAKEN US ONCE MORE?
HA! THE SILLY THINGS I DO
TO GET YOUR ATTENTION.

***

i glanced over to him and said hi. he answered back. it felt weird. i guess, he WAS still mad at what i told him nights before. couldn't blame the guy. i could get really tactless oftentimes. something was wrong with my cartridge so i decided to surf while they tried fixing it. it never got fixed, though. after i paid for the internet charges, i decided to muster up enough strength to tap him on the shoulder.

***

happy birthday was all i could say, tapping him on the shoulder as i did. the look in his eyes startled me. it was af if he didn't expect i'd greet him (that or he was insouciant over my greeting him). but either way, i did greet him happy birthday and made my way towards the door.

***

HEART RACING LIKE THE WIND
FLEETING MEMORIES FLOCKING THE BRAIN
IN MYRIADS OF FLASHES
TRYING TO SQUEEZE THEIR WAY BACK IN
EVEN IF THEY'VE BEEN KICKED OUT.

***
kids. i heard him say. i looked back. i wasn't sure he was talking to me. lotsa customers. but he was. he was talking to me. i went back to him. he was inviting us for dinner. i didn't want to oblige. even if it was what i wanted. silly pig. 'told him i might come with the kids. either that or i'd accompany the kids to his pad and then leave them there.

***

*beep beep*
i wanted to say a lot of others things kanina.
but you looked busy.
the kids are more than excited about saturday.
'will accompany them to your place.
they'll arrive at around 7:30pm.

-you could stay, you know.

***

ECSTACY
INSOUCIANT ECSTACY
AND A LOT OF JUMPY EMOTIONS
LINING UP THE ROAD -
MY ROAD -
OR AT LEAST, WHAT'S LEFT OF IT.

ancient out. of my element.

i as browsing friendster.com when i happen to stumble upon this. you melt me away maddWULF. keep the faith bro.

Where do love songs go when people stop
singing them? When does love become unloving?
How can a tattered heart still feel brand new?

I have asked myself these questions countless of
times but I cannot give myself any answer. I am left
questioning and with little hope of ever finding out
the truth. Love is always wrapped in mystery. And I
think it will always be a mystery.

If love only came in little packages with instruction
booklets rather than mystery and complication
everyone could've prevent and avoid heartbreaks
even before it happens. That should have been
easy. Romantic love that's not complicated. But
love doesn't come with instructions or guarantees.
We all learned that one way or the hard way. It will
forever be an experience. It breaks our hearts but
it has done so to make us whole again. It made us
cry but it also built us our happiest memories. It
has thorns but damn, it sure is a beautiful rose. I
think love is beauty and pain.

It has its own time for coming and going. And it
has its own reasons for staying and then fading
away. But most of us tend to grab hold of it as if
it's something that should be truly ours alone. We
desperately try to change ourselves thinking that
maybe if we become better or change for the
better love would stay. Many of us fail to realize
that love cannot be coerced into doing something
that is unnatural. I have realized that. Love is as
natural as the birds flying freely or water making
ripples.

We cannot change love. Love changes us. And if
one day love decides to go let's be thankful that
for once in our lives it came knocking on our
doorstep and filled our life with so many wonderful
things. We should cherish that moment and keep
it alive in us by giving what love has given us to
others.

I hope one day love would come knocking again.
POSTED BULLETIN:journal entry. myspace.com March 08, 2004)

***
but how long we shall wait for love to knock at the front door, we'd never know. and do we really need to wait for it to come knocking? what if it doesn't knock at our doors at all? what then?

i don't know.

ODE TO A FEARLESS KITSUNE

i guess.
but you know dodging my messages
wasn't necessary.
'pretty much got the drift that
you didn't want me around anymore.

'hope you're still up for
that thing with the kids.
not gonna mess that up. promise.
my kids love you.
that's the least that i could do.

that and suicide.

barko

atras-abante ang mga puso nating nalilito.
bakit kailangang maging pabigat
sa ating mga puso ang pagdarahop
ng mga luha?

maharot ang mga tinging minsa'y
bumihag sa akin.
subalit pinili mong lumayo.
hindi ako natinag sa pinagkakatayuan.
hindi kita hinabol?
yun ang akala mo. hinabol kita.
tumawid ka ng tulay.
pagka'y sinilaban mo hanggang maabo.
paano pa kita hahabulin sa kabilang ibayo?

sinubukan kong languyin ang lawang
naghihiwalay sa atin.
subalit nilason mo na ang lawa
at di na muling masusulatan
ng mga pangakong minsa'y ipinagtapat.

pabalik ka na sa kanyang mga bisig.
ako nama'y di pa natitinag.
kailanma'y di na gagalaw sa kinatatayuan;
nagbabakasakaling muli kang daraong
sa aking moog.
kahit pasumandali lamang.

'GELO

you had to sit beside me,
and drown me in your pungeance.
did you think i would tremble at the sight of you?
silly seraphim...

you had to capture my oracle's heart,
and whisk him away from my clutches.
did you believe that my love has faltered?
silly seraphim...

why did you have to smile at me like that?
and help me relieve my pain
and relive my doubts?
what have you in that mind
that made you believe the farce that i was?
silly seraphim...

you've won. now leave me be.

stritnet

who am i kidding?
i felt bad about how
you looked at me tonight.
'was cold. like you never knew me.
i was really hurt.
'wish i could curse, but
that's uncalled for.
everything is. even this.
WEDNESDAY.

when i walked into the shop
i wasn't expecting you to be there.
but there you were.
working there, again.
at that place where
i first met your squinty eyes.
there where i succombed to our feeling.
but things changed.
seeing you there made it even worse.
WEDNESDAY.

While i whisked my heart's fill of thinking,
i heard your voice in the background.
such asweet voice
humming in my ears.
i was distracted for fleeting moments;
but i had to write.
i had to write about you.
about me.
silly of me to have let you go.
but i never let go of the feeling.
never have.
looks like i never will.
and i'm not fretting about it.
because i have chosen to hold on
to the feeling that used to be us.
WEDNESDAY.

that look in your eyes
when i bade goodbye.
it pierced me dearly.
i was merely a visitor at the shop
now.