I WAS TALKING TO A FORMER COLLEAGUE A COUPLE OF MINUTES AGO.
she made me come back to the memories i had at the school i taught for close to three years, and then asked me to leave after a nasty rumor came out. she made me feel every ounce of rage i had for the people who stepped on me, every inch of insane sadness i felt when i stepped out of the gates and found out i could not teach again.

i am thankful to that colleague; she gave me more reasons to smile even more. she told me about how troubled she was for the past nights, thinking about the underlying sh** that was happening in school, and how she felt like hers was a lost cause. simply because she couldn't do anything to help anyone who needed to be helped - the students who were deprived of creative and ingenuitive thinking and learning, and the teachers who did not have ample academic freedom or at least a safe environment to think out loud, without being stoked or questioned or booted out.

i told her i was lucky i was asked to leave. eventually i realised that. because a place like that can suck you dry of your passion for everything - to teach, to care, to help, to explore, to rebuild, to generate ideas, to become your fullest potential. they just freakin' suck you dry of all the smiles you can share to other people: genuine smiles that can make another human being smile back. 'cause you're too damn tired, too boxed, to insanely undermined.

i am surprised they even call it liberal education, because there is nothing liberal about keeping kids' thoughts and potentials in a boxed world - making them think they are far better than everyone else, that they can be snotty and cocky about it - flambouyantly prancing in the streets, but in essence have no idea what the real world is actually made of.

i pity the kids i left behind. it's been close to a year and my publication kids have not issued a single publication; the magazine has been shelved for close to a year, and so all the news there is stale. the radio kids are back on air, but still just online; who listens online all the time in a developing country? oh well, i don't want to pry. it's not my school.

so i'm not posting this on tumblr. why? because most of the kids who have been so influenced by the powers that be that they are far better than everyone else (to the brink of developing a swollen head) might read it. and take it as a backstab. i don't backstab; real friends - teachers for that matter - stab you in the front (by oscar wilde). so i'm telling you, just watch your front.

still here.
finally with genuine smiles, after three years.
hey.

AKO: GAGO. TAO. GURO.

of all the crazy sh** i've done in my life, it's always refreshing to find the silver lining in the horizon every once in a while. back in october 2010, i thought it was the end of everything - i lost my job, almost lost my family, i lost personal respect, had no self-worth.

but i guess the Lord does have a way of making us see the bigger picture. a few months after, i took a risk and flew off to singapore. it's a helluva ride, but a good one nonetheless. i would be a hypocrite if i told you i am as stoic as a guy can get. quite the contrary. i burst into tears over no apparent reason; i sometimes miss home, get a homesickness attack, and you all know what happens next. sometimes i find myself trying to avoid the words "home" or "kid" or "love" because it just makes it even more difficult to bear than i am thousands of miles away from my wife and my kid. it hurts like sh** i tell u.

then again, tonight, i've realised that on top of the stupid things i did in my life, i actually did some things that were right on the money. a student of mine is getting a job in an airlines, and she comes back to me via FB with this PM:

"the interviewer asked me pano ko nagka accent..? nag enroll daw ba ko john robert powers??? taray tay ng sagot ko.. "nope sir..! i just series of trainings with mr. carlo venson.." then sabi "who is he?" "he's my mentor.. sir, u can't find him here.. he's in sg already.." sabi nalang nya "ohhhhh.. i see..."

my heart just jumped. ansarap palang malaman mo na minsan, kahit minsan, i actually touched people's lives and helped make a difference in them, for the better. i'd be lying if i told you i didn't feel a bit proud of myself. it was indeed my ego booster for the night. she was a student of mine, like 4 or 5 years ago?

a lot of stuff is happening in the office, here in the pad, in my life back home. tons of stuff piling on top of another. but i like it that at the end of the day, He makes me realise that i still have the capacity to become a good person, a better person, and help change people's lives for the better.

akala ko napakasama ko nang tao. hindi pala. there's actually a little bit of goodness still in this lil' ol' bastard.
still here. hey.

it's never been an easy life

because at the end of the day, you get to realise you can be so high-strung with a lot of things, they start to mess you up.
we all need a lee sometimes. problem is, finding one that actually is a lee and not just a diversion or a sorry excuse for one.

darn, i need a good cup of latte right about now.



still here.
hey.

threshold | cbp photography

MY PHOTOWHORE MOMENT FOR TODAY

ang mga babae sa buhay ni caloy

ngayong araw ng mga nanay, na hindi tulad ng mga nakalipas na mga nakaraan sapagkat ako'y wala sa aking bayang sinilangan, pangindapatin nyo akong batiing malugod ng may kasamang pasasalamat, ang mga babae - ina - na nagpakita at nangangaral sa akin hanggang sa kasalukuyan.

ang tita bhong, na nagturong ang paniniwala sa Dyos ang sagot sa lahat ng hirap ng buhay. na kailangang kumapit sa Kanya kahit na ano ang ibatong hamon ng panahon. salamat sa mata mong laging nakangiti, kahit alam ong marami kang kinakaharap na hilahil.salamat sa pag-endorso mo sa akin sa PVM para makakuha ako ng libreng pagsasanay sa paggamit ng computer nuong high school pa ako..

ang tita sonny, na kumakatawan sa tatag ng pusong marunong magpatawad, kahit gaano kasakit. ikaw ang nagpakita sa aking higit sa lahat, mahalaga ang mga anak, bago ang sarili. salamat sa pagbubukas mo ng bahay sa lahat ng dumarating. lalo na sa akin na malakas lumamon. salamat sa mga aklat na binili nyo para sa akin at kay ineng..

ang ninang lina, na huwaran ng pagpupursige at pagbibigay. kanlungan ng tawanan at iyakan ang tahanang masaya at buo; ito ang iyong isinabuhay na halimbawa. salamat sa pagbili ng voltron lions sa akin nuong ako ay 7 taong gulang pa lamang.hindi pa nakakaalis ang bus sa terminal ng BLTB Co. ay naiwala ko na agad ang isa.. el rojo el raiz el gloria..

ang ninang ten-ten, na nagturo sa aking uminom ng gin, magyosi at magsaya, pagdaka'y ang isakripisyo ang lahat ng saya para sa kasiyahan ng minamahal. ikaw ang aking huwaran - matatag, maganda, sexy (plus points), at sobra-sobrang magmahal. salamat sa kauna-unahang pakete ng malborong puti na binigay mo sa aking nuong una kang umuwi mula sa belgium. sana nasa iyo pa din ang larawang aking binurda...

ang aking ina,na sa nakalipas na mahigit 30 taon ay walang ginawa kundi pagsilbihan kaming lahat. tayong lahat. salamat sa pagtuturo mo sa akin ng kahalagahan ngpagmamahal sa trabaho - ang mga kwento mo tungkol sa pagtalon sa bakod, makapasok lang habang may rally sa labas, ang paggising mo ng alas-3 ng umaga para makapasok ng alas-4:30 sa batangas city (habang pinakikinggan ko ang lagutok ng iyong sapatos na mabilis na kumakaripas palabas ng barangay), ang muntikang panganganak mo sa banyo, ang pagtatrabaho sa gitna ng pagputok ng pinatubo, ang pagpapagawa mo ng bahay, ang pagbibigay sa amin ng lahat ng luho, ang pagtalikod mo sa sariling kaligayahan at sariling buhay dahil mahal mo kami. babawi ako, mommy. bigyan mo lang ako ng ilang taon, pangako hindi mo na kailangan mamalengke at mautusan.

ang aking biyenan na nagturo sa akin na tanggapin ang hamon ng buhay ng nakataas ang noo. kahit na mahirap, kahit na masakit, kasi pamilya ang nauuna.

ang pinakamamahal kong mga lola - elena at rufina. mamang, patawarin mo ako dahil hindi ako nakapunta. mahal na mahal ko po kayo. inay, ikaw na nagpapaligo sa akin sa lababo, ikaw na kahit walang-wala ay nagbibigay ng baon sa mga apo, ikaw na kahit pambili na ng gamot mo nakukuha mo pang ibili ng tosino o longganisang ihahain mo sa aming magugulo mong apo... alam kong alam nyo na huwaran ko kayo ng sipag. hindi ko kayang maglakad mula rosario hanggang ibaan, sakbit ang bunsong kapatid habang sunong ang palayok sa ulo. dose anyos pa lang kayo nuon, pero kinaya nyo. astig ka.

ang aking asawa, na sa kabila ng lahat ng pinagdaanan namin, mabuti o nakaririmarim, ay nanatiling nasa tabi ko - kahit na gaano kagago o katanga ang ilan sa mga naging desisyon ko sa buhay. ikaw ang buhay ko. ikaw ang ina ng aking anak at magiging anak (kailangan dahil hinahanap na ni ineng si gabriel; antagal daw lumabas). babawi ako sa kagaguhan ko, 'my. ibibigay ko sa iyo ang buhay na ipinangako ko sa 'yo. konting tiis, konting kapit pa. malapit napo.

***

sa aking mga ibang tiyahin at pinsan, mga kaibigan, kasama sa trabaho - sa inyo ay pinaaabot ko din ang aking pagbati. MALIGAYANG ARAW NG MGA INA. NG MGA BAYANI SA BUHAY KO.

photos today: 7 May 2011

WHEN LIFE IS A MESS, TELL IT TO FUKC OFF

My 350th blog in my 7-year old blogger account, and i have nothing but angst.
I guess i had it coming. Now he's even blamed me for it. I hate him.

My Only Pope

a year before i was born, a cardinal from poland became pope - 450 years after any non-italian cardinal ever held on the papacy. born karol jozef wojtyla, he became a soldier in ww1 and later entered priesthood.

growing up, he was the pope i knew and recognised. i would see him talking in the vatican, vaguely remember him meeting up with world leaders and religious icons of his and my time. pretty much i became comfort with the idea that i was going to live and die with him as my pope. and of course, i was dreaming. because by the time he became pope, JP2 (a coined term for his eminence) was in his 60s.

his reign as pope has got to be the most tumultuous of modern day pontiffs, with assasination plots here and there, the fall of communism, and the variety of issues that the Church went through, particularly in the case of child molestation cases that were flung unto the priesthood.

but he stood steadfast. and although i was not able to see him personally during the world youth day celebration in manila during the late 90s, i fervently watched him on TV, him riding a bullet-proof car with clear window panels, waving to the crowd. everyone was just ecstatic. and i was crying in front of the TV. he was my pope, and every day, he made everyone in the catholic faith that he too was man - and that God was there to listen to man, regardless of how insiduous and maniacal he becomes at times. JP2 was a man of God, and a man of love.

in 2005, JP2 died. the media coverage was insane. practically everyone paid respects to the man they called the communicator, having been the most travelled and most known of all modernday popes by all walks of life. he showed love by example, and peace through a lifestyle, and holiness that was not skin deep or anchored on societal requisites.

HE MADE ME UNDERSTAND THAT GOD WILL ALWAYS BE THERE FOR ME, AND FOR YOU, NO MATTER HOW DUMBASS WE GET OR HOW INAPPROPRIATE ARE ACTIONS ARE. because God is not vengeful. God is love.

He does not judge, unlike most people we know.

***

AN EXCERPT FROM XINMSN.COM

Thousands of pilgrims thronged Rome on Saturday amid tight security, on the eve of a grand ceremony that the Vatican called a "Feast of Faith" to bring late pope John Paul II close to sainthood.

"May this feast of faith be a precious occasion to open the door to Christ," Pope Benedict XVI, who will president Sunday's ceremony, wrote in a message to Catholics around the world on the front page of the official Vatican newspaper. In an editorial, the Osservatore Romano daily called it "an extraordinary event without precedent in the last 1,000 years of the Church's history."

Excitement also began mounting among the crowds of faithful milling around the Vatican despite a persistent drizzle and the ubiquitous souvenir peddlers.

"I couldn't miss this, I had to be a part of such a historic moment. We've only just arrived but the atmosphere's great, it's really exciting," said Patricia Wocial, 48, who had come from Britain with her young daughters. The weekend of prayer, which experts say could help the Vatican burnish an image badly tarnished by paedophile priest scandals, will kick off later on Saturday with a vigil in the ancient Roman arena Circus Maximus.

At least 100,000 people are expected to attend the vigil starting at 1800 GMT on Saturday to hear those who were close to John Paul II speak, including his former personal secretary, Cardinal Stanislaw Dziwisz. Timetable: Pope John Paul II's beatification

Among the speakers will be Marie Simon-Pierre, the French nun whose miraculous healing from Parkinson's disease is the official justification for John Paul II's beatification after years of research by the Vatican. A second miracle is needed before John Paul II can be declared a saint.

While some pilgrims will then head off to bed before Sunday's beatification mass starting at 0800 GMT, others will take advantage of several churches in central Rome which are staying open all night to pray to the late pope. Some 500,000 pilgrims are expected for the beatification itself, which will confer the status of "blessed" on a pope who survived an assassination attempt and helped fight Communist rule during his nearly 27 years in office. John Paul became pope in 1978 -- the first non-Italian pope in more than four centuries. After 104 foreign trips and a pontificate that gave new strength to the Catholic Church, he died in 2005 following years of ill health.

The late pope's coffin has been brought out of its resting place in a crypt under Saint Peter's basilica, and a phial of John Paul's blood, drawn from him during his illness, has been prepared as a relic for veneration. The Vatican fast-tracked the beatification period after mourners at John Paul's funeral clamoured for him to be made a saint, drowning out critics who accused him of having ignored Church ills such as corruption and paedophilia.

One of the Vatican's fiercest critics, German theologian Hans Kung, said in an interview with La Repubblica daily that his reign was "authoritarian" adding: "He doesn't deserve to be presented to the faithful as an example." After Sunday's beatification mass, which will be led by Pope Benedict in front of Saint Peter's and shown on big screens in the surrounding area, pilgrims will be able to file past John Paul II's coffin in the basilica.

Among the attendees at the mass will be Italian President Giorgio Napolitano, Mexican President Felipe Calderon and Polish President Bronislaw Komorowski -- part of a large Polish delegation for the late Karol Wojtyla. Zimbabwean President Robert Mugabe, a liberation hero who has been widely condemned for human rights abuses, also landed in Rome on Saturday under a special exemption from a European Union travel ban to attend the ceremony.

***

so do i believe JP2 should eventually be canonized as a saint?i don't need to.
in my heart, my soul, he already is.