something my friend gibb posted over at his myspace.

Definitions for modern times

Beauty Parlor – a place where women curl up and dye

Cannibal – someone who is fed up with people

Chickens – the only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead

Committee – a body that keeps minutes and wastes hours

Gossip – a person who will never tell a lie if the truth will do more damage

Handkerchief – cold storage

Inflation – cutting money in half without damaging the paper

Secret – something you tell one person at a time

Yawn – an honest opinion openly expressed

Tomorrow – one of the greatest labor saving devices of today

An accountant is someone who knows the cost of everything and the value of nothing.

An auditor is someone who arrives after the battle and bayonets all the wounded.

A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain. (Mark Twain)

An economist is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn’t happen today.

A statistician is someone who is good with numbers but lacks the personality to be an accountant.

An actuary is someone who brings a fake bomb on a plane, because that decreases the chances that there will be another bomb on the plane. (Laurence J. Peter)

A programmer is someone who solves a problem you didn’t know you had in a way you don’t understand.

A mathematician is a blind man in a dark room looking for a black cat which isn’t there. (Charles Darwin)

A topologist is a man who doesn’t know the difference between a coffee cup and a doughnut.

A lawyer is a person who writes a 10,000-word document and calls it a “brief.” (Franz Kafka)

A psychologist is a man who watches everyone else when a beautiful girl enters the room.

A professor is one who talks in someone else’s sleep.

A schoolteacher is a disillusioned woman who used to think she liked children.

A consultant is someone who takes the watch off your wrist and tells you the time.

A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.