i am freakin out.
no kidding.

after that inicident with the evaluator and stuff, i could NOT be more freaked out that tonight. thinking of the possibility of getting booted out from work freaks me out to the next level, man. i'm shaking right now. (or probably i'm just cold from the bland pineapple juice i'm having.)

just got back from the city plaza. couldn't feel the vibe. too many people there. a
lot of youngin's frolicking, and i couldn't find myself peaceful. can i NOT be peaceful for just a freakin' moment?!

suddenly reality kicked in and i realized that hey, i might get booted out tomorrow. that i'd be losing all four years of my life spent in lyceum, just because some evaluator decided to suddenly go balistic. but hey, i'm not solely blaming her for this. it partly is my fault. i shouldn't have been very cordial with everyone. look where it got me now.

happy
cheerful
blissful
atrociously jaunty
sunny
spritely
undaunted
smiling
sometimes officious
alive
breathing
joyful
elated
not remotely sad
what's missing?

adjectives and adverbs
5.20.04

something from my earlier blogs. can i be anymore messed up? that night we talked about what we felt for each other, and how our relationship was, i was more than glad that we did. and please tell angel i'm sorry.

but something stuck to me like glue, though - how long would i keep deceiving myself of the reality that i was queer. dammit. i am such a stupid git. that i didn't have the guts to face reality, and instead made believe that i was more than what i thought i was. thank you for setting me free, 'tales. briefly, i was myself that night. thanks for releasing me. (and might i say when you sat on that garden table all loose and homy, you looked beautiful.)

Spend all your time waiting
For that second chance
For a break that would make it okay
There's always one reason
To feel not good enough
And it's hard at the end of the day
I need some distraction
Oh beautiful release
Memory seeps from my veins
Let me be empty
And weightless and maybe
I'll find some peace tonight

In the arms of an angel
Fly away from here
From this dark cold hotel room
And the endlessness that you fear
You are pulled from the wreckage
Of your silent reverie
You're in the arms of the angel
May you find some comfort there

So tired of the straight line
And everywhere you turn
There's vultures and thieves at your back
And the storm keeps on twisting
You keep on building the lie
That you make up for all that you lack
It don't make no difference
Escaping one last time
It's easier to believe in this sweet madness oh
This glorious sadness that brings me to my knees

In the arms of an angel
Fly away from here
From this dark cold hotel room
And the endlessness that you fear
You are pulled from the wreckage
Of your silent reverie
You're in the arms of the angel
May you find some comfort there
You're in the arms of the angel
May you find some comfort here

Angel
Sarah Mclachlan

you were my angel that night, 'tales. and i'm saddened to realize that you may not text back everytime i do. that right after that closure, we have not come out as friends. that i should start letting you go as a friend. i do not like to let you go. not as a friend, man. because i would like to gain your trust again.

I don't remember what day it was
I didn't notice what time it was
All I know is that I fell in love with you
And if all my dreams come true
I'll be spending time with you

Every day's a new day in love with you
With each day comes a new way of loving you
Every time I kiss your lips my mind starts to wander
And if all my dreams come true
I'll be spending time with you

Oh, I love you more today than yesterday
But not as much as tomorrow
I love you more today than yesterday
But, darling, not as much as tomorrow

Tomorrow's date means springtime's just a day away
Cupid, we don't need ya now, be on your way
I thank the Lord for love like ours that grows ever stronger
And I always will be true
I know you feel the same way, too

Oh, I love you more today than yesterday
But not as much as tomorrow
I love you more today than yesterday
But only half as much as tomorrow

Every day's a new day
Every time I love ya
Every way's a new way
Every time I love ya
Every day's a new day
Every time I kiss ya
Every day's a new day

I Love You More Today Than Yesterday
Staircase Spiral


i'm glad we had closure, 'tales. but i'm not happy about you not considering me as a friend just yet. this means i have to work doubly hard to get you back. i owe it to you. and owe it to myself to have you as a friend again.

i'm here. hey.