i had to blog today.
it was a day after the deluge that struck me, and guess what? i'm not over it.
my life sucks, and i can'r get over the fact that i can't get over it. dammit.

Sometimes I get emotional
Sometimes I do some stupid things
Sometimes I say what I should just keep inside
Sometimes I'm sad about everything
Sometimes I'm mad and break some things
Sorry times 10 but you just got in the way

EMOTIONAL
diana degarmo

yesterday, i realized i puffed more phillip morris than i had to. dammit, i was down in the dumps. 'tang ina talaga yung kalbong yun. thank you, inspector for making my life miserable again. 'found this poem by mel on pinoypoets.

Ang sakim na nasang sa puno'y dumampi,
Naglakbay sa dawag ng inip, lunggati
At noong ang dulo'y payapang narating
Naabong panahon, sa bagang maningning.

Ang bagot, nilunok, usok nang niluwa
Lungkot ang kapiling, pangarap ay tuwa.
Ang lakad ng oras sa pusong nilisan
Bilangin sa upos na nagtatangisan.

Ang dagdag na upos sa abong talaksan
Dagdag sa panahong pinaglilipasan.
Ang putol sa habang ipinagmamayabang
Bawas din sa buhay na ayaw ingatan.

Sa dilim na aking kinasasadlakan
Sigarilyong tangi ang pinanggagalingan
Ng maliwanag na apoy kong pananglaw,
Ng init sa gabing sa puso'y bumahaw.

Batid kong sa bawat hayok kong paghithit
Minamadali kong hininga'y mapatid.
Ang demonyong sanib nitong sigarilyo
Anghel sa tingin kong ang diwa'y tuliro.

SIGARILYO
Mel
Abril 8, 2005

i mean, i do some stupid things sometimes, but that doesn't justify him making me feel so small. thank you sa 'yo ha? just when i thought i've gotten over my inferiority complex, you barge in and splash me with a big pailful of inferiority slush. grabe.
people might react, and say i'm OVER-REACTING to the situation. try being in that same position as i was yesterday, and how'd you feel? okay lang sana kung kami lang ang nagkarinigan. e hindi. a few graduates glanced at us, a few teachers were looking, and some parents who sat beside where i stood were startled. talk abour humiliation 101. do they teach that in law school, inspector? dammit. i thought lawyers were low, but not rock bottom. but you, you take the cake. bah!

The sadness within these walls is the quiet
sadness of space itself; invisible, inescapable.
And hollow, like a forgotten well I'd like to fill up
with flood waters, lava, or quick-drying cement.
Departures are never as swift as the flick of a light
switch, or as definitive as the collapse into dust
cloud and rubble of a tall building under engineered
blasts of planted dynamite. You walk out in particles,

leaving granulated good-byes like very fine sand. I'm
sure some remnant of your reflection is still around,
bouncing off yet another conniving surface. Like once,

stepping out of the shower towel-drying my hair,
I caught the elongated image of your tanned body
mirrored by the metal door frame's shiny handle. So
you're still within these walls, zipping in perpetual
motion, an amorphous mass of energized atoms in some
theoretical physics equation where the effect of
friction is suspended. You're still here, though
not as I would have it: seated on the bed, your back
against last night's pillows, your arm outstretched,
pointing the remote control at a flickering screen.
You're here in fragments. I gather your presence
with each sweeping of the floor, the way a poem
remembers its former drafts, collecting dead skin
cells of former selves.

IN ABSENTIA
Sid Gomez Hildawa

inasmuch as i would like to write poems, i couldn't. it's like i've been drained of who i was. dammit.