someone asked me this morning about what i meant in kismet death. he was wondering a lot, because he felt like i was longing for something. that i was searching for something.
you know what? he was right. i AM looking for something. freedom from my personal bondages. peace from my war-torn conscience (he bothers me a lot. and i thought i had none). salvation for my sins. a lot of things.
a friend of mine from college said, in one of my interviews for a school project, that he too was looking for something. that there was something missing in him. i asked him, "don't tell me you're not sure about yourself?" he said he was. but it was just that he knew that there was something wrong in him. and that something had to be looked for. and he is still looking up to this day (but it would have helped a lot if he knew what he was looking for).
what am i searching for? i don't know. my chinese horoscope for this year says that there will be a drastic change in my life. and that that change would be good for me. that it would last a lifetime (early this year, something did happen. i'm holding on to it).
what do we search for in this lifetime (or the next)? love? fame? money? sex? a partner? a companion? i really have no idea. wish i had. i'd be lying if i said i'm happy with how the way things are for me now. well, i am in some aspects of it. but generally, it wouldn't hurt my ego if i sometimes choose to sulk at a corner and silently weep my worries away.
what is it that are we searching for? i hope we find it soon. 'might get restless and just stop breathing if i don't.