it's been a while.

i never thought that day would come. but it did. it was frightening. my last three days of airing. grr.

***

much to my enjoyment, i was recently hailed as the new department chairman for mass communications, after graduating from my masterate at BSU (although the registrar has yet to release my TOR). i start on may 2.

but it wasn't the cabinet cleaning or the turn-over of files that bothered me when i received the text message from arex (the college secretary); i was faced with the fact that i might not air EVER again.

hell froze over. today is my last day of airing.

***

thursday and friday, my airings were passé. as if things were going to turn out okay. i had just finished off the last of the bull sessions with the kids, have started planning for the welcome party, and have taken time to go out with friends. all was supposed to be well.

friday everning comes, i had no sweldo. that was the start of it.

***

when i got into the station today, it sank in.
today was my last day to air. EVER.

i did the program as usual - campus almusal. a few minor glitches, and some hang-ups but generally the program went on smoothly. four minutes before i said adieu, i thanked everyone who became a part of my life for the past four years at the campus radio - the batches of djs, the listeners, the food house, everyone.

the minute i slid back the channel for my mic, i burst into tears. finally, it sank - deep. i was leaving the radio. for good. i didn't let go of the mic stand for a good three minutes. i just held on to it, crying.

four years working on something where you've put heart and soul, sweat and lotsa time, laughter and even more tears; it all sank in. i cried so hard, the kids (aries, sydney and apollo) started crying as well. i knew i had to be strong for them, but i couldn't stop crying...

i just couldn't.

***

for everyone who has become part of my radio career (if there was any) for the past four years of the campus radio, thank you. i bid goodbye with a heavy heart, but with a lot of aspiration, hoping the all will be well... for everyone.

thank you.

i don't know how to describe
what i'm feeling right now.
i'm sad.
very, i guess.
i've been eating since this morning
but to no avail.
my body feels so heavy.
i'm dragging myself.
i just want to sink - vanish - somewhere people won't see me.
no air, no light. no love, i guess.
she's going somewhere. without me.
i'm scared. afraid. longing. doubtful?
i don't know.
i'm just plain stupid.
that's what i am.
plain, freakin' stupid.

sometimes i feel shitty.
tonight, i do.

we've been arguing
over lotsa things
since early last week
till this week.

wednesday night,
we started the squabble
over a hking activity.
she told me i made her feel
she wasn't my priority.
that i left her out of the picture.
it wasn't true, of course.
i planned everything out because
i wanted to spend the night
with her.

thursday morning,
we went to seven churches.
the day was tiring.
but i enjoyed.
at the end of the day,
my mom made a dark comment.
she went home sadder than ever.

friday morning,
there was a mix-up over
whether she was taking me to a trip
to the orchard or not.
we ended up with me walking
from the bustop back home.

saturday, we met up
but it still felt sad.
at least we saw each other.

sunday, the usual sunday mass.
felt good.

monday, tuesday;
these went by as regular days.
no squabble there.

wednesday night- tonight,
we fought over a day & night cream.
and me being disappointed over
a disapproved activity for my work.
i felt like she was not supportive enough.
she felt the chill; she had to retaliate.
i felt the cold steel lunge into my heart
and it stayed there.

until now.
i'm hurting.
darn it.