What do you do, when you're stuck and can't move? Do you languish in the helplessness or try to inch forward? What if this laziness is a sign of nonchalant waywardness? Or an actual indication to give up and let go?

A former student of mine suffered cardiac arrest while in his flat in Kuwait, a few days after he called his mom and greeted her a Happy Mothers Day. You will be missed, Jepoy. I'm sure the beats are awesome up there.

NEW eBOOKS

After discovering that it has been a year since I posted anything here, I realised I needed to. A lot of things have happened. For one, I found a new job, through a former connection. Second, I made a few more books: Ang Dikotomiya ng Kalungkutan at Pag-Asa and Turning 34. I also started writing a few stories for an anthology: Behind the Tracks and Taking It Slow. I will hopefully finish the anthology within the year. I've replenished my portfolio, and I might start with watercolour painting as well. I'll give you a full rundown of stuff when I find time to actually sit and write. Still here. Hey.

Wrote a new book. Finalised the layout today.

Open publication - Free publishing - More basic

I wonder if anyone would find it useful :) #OFWblues

A FEW CLICKS TILL JUDGMENT DAY

Open publication - Free publishing - More adult

I was tipsy and sad last night. After a long while, it all came out. 23 poems in three hours. Not bad at all.

now i have come to realise the reason why the Lord has brought me to singapore. naye was i brought here to earn the money i am earning now; neither to experience luxury and whim. i realised the reason why i was sent here was for me to understand the most important lesson of all: a family needs to stay together. a few weeks after they have left, and a few months before they came to vosot, i slowly realised why i was going through all these- sacrificing proximity te earn a few thousand more. i was never sent here to earn money; i was brought here to learn my lesson. it will not be painful to leave everything behind. and it will be a slow process. but i look forward to seeing the day that i come to your doorstep and hug you tight, never again worrying that i will have to fly off the following day, or week, or month. i will stay where i should be: home.

OFW Rants: Big Time

My housemate just got back from work, at a quarter past 11 in the evening. He slumped his bag and headphones on the couch, took off his shirt, arched his back and went mumbling under his breath, only for us- the remaining two people in the house who were still awake- to realise that he was actually teary-eyed. Apparently his supervisor was going on a holiday, and he had to take over all the work he'd leave behind. That and he had an early morning shift the following day.

I gave him a shrug and said, “Kapit lang. Kaya yan (Hold on; you can do this)” and then made my way through the kitchen and into the toilet to pee. Inside my room, I sat on my bed and it struck me. That had got to be one of the the worst comments I have ever made in my life. Hold on, you can do this!? What kind of idiot would say such an apathetic comment. Apparently, someone like myself.

I've been a foreign worker for over a year now, and that's what I tell myself, day in and day out- to hold on... to tell myself that I can do this. I push myself, like many others who are like myself, struggling to find a better life for ourselves and the people we left behind, sometimes beyond our limits, because we have to. For many of us, we are left with no choices. People say I had it easy. I say, screw you. You don't know my story; you only know half of it. A true gentleman does not show the enemy that he bleeds. So why would I? Now, imagine those who have been foreign workers all their lives.

***
Just a few days ago, another Filipina was found dead near a lake in Taiwan. Over a month ago, the brother of a close friend died in a lowly hospital in Riyadh, with autopsy reports too vaguely constructed that no one actually knew why he passed away. A couple of days ago, an OFW was sentenced to death.

This is what we wake up too. No, not you who cry over not being bought the iPhone or iPod because Mother says she can't save enough just yet. Not you who ask for new shoes and clothes for the farthest possible relative. No, not even you, who seemingly take time to call, make us cry over the phone, and in the end tell us of woes that you carry on your shoulders- the sickly relative who needs more support, the uncle who needs a new engine for his motorcycle, or the lowly godchild whose grades shot up so high they deserve to get a new PSP.

***
Funny. None of you actually wonder why some of us only post the shopping spree- the new watch, the fancy new Air Jordans, the class Lvs and Prada. We post the fun that we have by the beach, the sleazy poses in front of Lucky Plaza's condom shops, the wacky Korean-esque hand gestures in front of a signage of Chanel. None of you ask. Instead, people tag comments like, “Wow ang yaman mo na (Wow, you're so rich)” or “Ate size 8 ako ha? (Sister, I'm a size 8 okay?)” or better yet, “Wala bang hiring dyan? (Any vacant positions?)” Nope. No one wonders. Blind people, you all are.

I know you've heard rants like these time and again. Who cares, right? I frankly don't know just as much, but it hurts. After a year, it still hurts. And what I say might not be true for everyone, but it is true for some people. That's what matters; because at the end of the day, that's who you have. Here in this foreign land, we have no one but ourselves. No amount of friendship can save your ass, my friend. We are all on our own.

***
There are worst cases, I know, but does anyone actually care? Why would they, my friend. They are more preoccupied with filling their bellies with nonsensical media-dramas that are disguised as legislature, and more concerned with how they and their brothers would fare in the next election. This is our part of the circle, and the fulfillment of the sacrifice. Accept it. That is what and who we are. Milking cows.

And while the rest of us are getting our asses kicked, burning the whole stock of midnight oil barrels, and stabbing our own hearts for not being able to even kiss our children on the forehead at night before they tuck in, the people who are supposed to make our lives better are too busy figuring out whether the man you voted for is having a lovelife or not. No, we are not okay; it is not another sunny day in Smallville, dude.

We are so screwed, and you know it.

masama ang loob ko sa inyo. kasi sa totoo lang, kahit hayup-hayop yung kapatid ko, sya pa din ang pinapaburan kasi sya yung hindi nag-asawa agad. ‘tang ina, sa kabila ng lahat ng ginawa nya kagaguhan at ng ginawang kong tulong, e sya pa din ang lalabas na magaling, putcha talu-talo na ito.

bakit, sa palagay mo ba dadalahin nya dito sa SG ang nanay at kapatid ko kung hindi ko biglang pinapunta yung mag-ina ko dito? 4years sa sa SG ngayon lang nya naisip papuntahin sila for vacation, samantalang ako e wala pang isang taon yun muna ang pinag-ipunan ko? alam kaya ng magulang ko na mas pinipili ng kapatid kong manuod ng ANTM kesa kausapin sila sa skype, nung mga panahong magkasama pa kami sa room? na pagsinabi nyang kakain muna sya, ibig sabihin nun, manunuod sya sa youtube? nakakainis lang ng sobra.

sana wag lang silang mag-expect na may matitira pang paggalang pagkatapos ng lahat ng ito. ayoko na. suko na ako.

THE PEDANTIC 3: RIVALRY


It is surprising to understand that at the end of the day, favouritism is still a big factor in broods of two or more. Let’s face the facts: although siblings are supposed to be raised and treated the same way, it is evident that some family structures cultivate some sort of rivalry among siblings, which in effect creates either rifts between them or the rise of the favoured child.

I admit, I was quite the favourite when I was younger. For one, I was the only first-borne in the Philippines (since my older cousin was already in California) and I was showing so much promise in academics– a cornerstone of the family’s tradition. At a tender age of two, I started reading newspapers and by six, graduated with outstanding marks in pre-school. I bravely took the primary school entrance exam on my own, and pretty much grew independently until my university days. I was presumed to be good at a lot of things, especially those that concerned the languages, history and science. I was among the teachers’ bet when it came to performing in class, although I had a very poor social life during my primary and secondary school years.

In essence, I was an A1 child in terms of the academics. And then, a few more years later, my first brother was born. Although he was a bundle of joy, he was perceived as different. He was more of the outdoorsy type, and like playing with basketballs and staying under the sun, while I toiled away in the confines of the sanctuary I called my room. Eventually, his fluctuating grades paved the way for comparison, since he wasn’t performing as he should, or at least as my parents wanted him to. The effect: at some point, he was marked as second-rate, and was branded as someone who might never achieve anything, aside from a mediocre life. And so he lived through 25 years of his life believing this, partly because he was treated as if it was true and etched in his heart every day of his life.

It was the morning of January 2 that he had a conversation with my mom and other siblings, telling them how much he wanted to become an engineer and that his life would have been different. That night, my brother died in a motorcycle accident, with multiple head injuries, a fractured skull and bruises lining his body like pavement crossings.

My second brother almost suffered the same fate as my younger brother, although towards the beginning of his career, the tables turned and I found myself being compared to him. He was three when he started uttering complete sentences– a feat our parents thought almost meant he would never be able to talk, ever. After he learnt, it was easy for us to identify that he head the gift of gab. And so by his university days, he was already hosting school programmes and events, much to the happy comparison of my superiors, since he finished his degree in the same university I was a head of department of.

Eventually, his voice and personality gained renown, and I was pushed to the side, given a taste of my own medicine, and relinquished of the attention I was initially given early on in my career. That made me feel very neglected, but looking at it now, I realise that more than the neglect, it was a perfect re-orchestration of what had happened to myself and my younger brother– only this time, I was the one being compared to him. He was the new standard, and I had to catch up.

Although at the end of the day, it could be disputed or attributed that the sibling rivalries were the result of the relegation of one’s children, I feel that there is always more to the situations under hand, once the individual doing the analysis garners enough maturity and sufficient understanding. As for myself, seeing that I still remain to be the eldest, one of the more favoured of the clan’s brood, I cannot safely say that I have developed enough understanding to digest the frivolities and nuances that the situations command us to do so. I can only speculate that eventually I will learn to understand and accept the fact that sometimes rivalries are just as vicious as Venus flytraps or laughing hyenas out for a night’s foraging.

TO MY BATCH MATANGLAWIN

I feel that it is fitting that I post this today, New Year's Eve. Dapat ipapabasa ito sa inyo sa dedication, pero baka di na nila payagang basahin.

---

It has been more than a year after I had left the confines of First Asia I have worked for. True enough, I would be hypocritical if I say that I don’t miss holding classes in the lab, doing meetings with my LH kids, talking over campus radio, and having casual talks with my teachers and friends. Although I was indeed depressed for a few months, the challenge that was set before me was also an opportunity for reflection and gauging of actual self-worth.

Marami akong natutunan sa pakikisalamuha sa mga estudyante ng FAITH. In the end, I realised that although not everyone could be trusted, a lot of you are truly dedicated to the craft and the vocation that we have chosen to take. As communicators, we must stay true to the reality that we have been chosen to become vanguards of truth and freedom.

Now that Batch Matanglawin is set to graduate, the batch I entered FAITH with, it feels nostalgic to go back and contemplate about everything that had happened. I initially intended to use this to clarify some stuff, kaya lang, para saan pa? Let bygones be bygones. Tapos na eh. This is not about me; this is about you, kids.

That first day of “class” that I had with you kids was diagnostic of sorts. As I remember, the Sulyap class was very pivotal in determining the track I knew most of you kids would take. As the pioneer batch was riddled in their freshman year with training for corporate communications, I knew from Day One that yours was a production batch.

Edz came to me a few months ago, asking if I could write something for you guys on your recognition day. Either way, I would have written something for you anyway. I think it is what’s due.

***

JAYVEE. Ikaw ang ekstensyon ng obsessive-compulsive na ako. I admire your organising skills and your dedication to the craft. Gamitin mo ang galing sa pagsusulat at sa pagsasayaw to inspire you to do better. With all my heart, I know you will find love somewhere along the way. Continue to being the leader that you are.

FAYE. You need to become a copywriter for an ad company, ‘nak. Your materials are divine, and your approach is bitchy and sweet at the same time. Try to lessen the sudden bursts of emotion; tagilid tayo jan. wag ma-in-love agad-agad. Weigh your options. And by the way, remember that time sa Cyberhub, nung “nagbalik-loob” ako sa inyo, you were there to hug me and shed tears of joy to welcome me back – kayo ni Jayvee. You don’t know how much that meant to me. So I am telling you now… Thank you for being there for me, ‘nak.

PAEL. Alam ng lahat na sa buong batch, ikaw ang hinulma ko para maging isa sa mga pinakaprangka, pinakamagaling sa production. I chose you because I knew that you had it in you. All I had to do was to let it all out. And although nagkamali ako later sa ibang batches when it came to choosing the people to train, I still firmly believe you got what it takes. A couple of things though. Remember to keep your pie trap shut when it is due. You have a tendency to become tactless. Remember that first time sa Cinemalaya? You were a freshman, barely introduced to Comm Theories, and you were already commenting on the entries. Nainis ako sa ‘yo that time, but you made me smile as well. Kasi alam ko, given the training, you would do great. And you proved me right.

YVETTE. Anlakas ng tawa ko nung tinawag mo akong “chever” during one of the classes. Natawa ako kasi nakalimutan mo ang pangalan ko, although deep inside natakot din ako; was I that forgettable? I love our small talks, yung bigla ka na lang tatawag ng chever; priceless yun for me. You are among those who never got comfortable calling me TATAY. But I knew you respected me. And that meant a lot. Oo na, sexy ka na. Pagbigyan na at baka maglupage pag hindi ko sinabi.

PATTY. Sophomore year you told me you were having second thoughts of continuing the course. Two years after, eto na; graduating ka na. Congratulatons, anak. Alam ko naman na press release lang na hindi ka na tutuloy. Kasi alam kong kaya mong tapusin. Kahit ilang beses ka pang magpabalik-balik sa Lipa dahil nakalimutan mo ang ID mo, hindi ka sumuko. That merits respect from me. Continue to push yourself and you will achieve what you dream. Regards kay Mayor Luis.

DEXTER. One time, during a fieldtrip, nagkita-kita kayo and my former students from Lyceum. The Lycean mob of kids hugged me like hell, and I saw your expression, sabay sabi “Sana kami din, ganun sa inyo pagdating ng araw.” Ngayon ko sinasabi sa iyo, Dex. Sana nga ganun din kayo pagdating ng araw. Your dedication to absorb music trivia, engross on entertainment and reading, amaze me. Kapit lang. dalawa ang tatay mo sa buhay.

MAE. Hindi ko makakalimutan ang mga mala-Tiboli mong tingin kay Celine LOL truly those moments are the best, lalo na pag nasa production tapos naglolokohan during the breaks. Pero alam mo nak, do not let anyone tell you that you cannot do anything, because you can, once you put your mind to it. I know you; I know what you can do. Mabilis kang kumilos, tumatakbo, nagsusulat, at higit sa lahat, masarap kunan ng photo dahil PAK ang mga pose mo, ineng.

JOSIE. Always remember what your father says: magdamit ka naman ng mini-skirt paminsan-minsan. You have grown into a sprightly young woman; be happy for the changes. Welcome them with open arms. Bear in mind that you have to speak your heart out. Wag mahiya.

MAJO. I am proud of the work you do in church; magandang simulain yan, nak. I would like to commend you for always taking the initiative – go paper coordination committee! I am happy that your lovelife is in full swing, and happier that you are starting to find your niche in the batch. Mas bagay sa iyo ang kulot.

KHIM. Dear Madame President, I would like to thank you for the professionalism that you have shown in dealing with me and the rest of the teachers. Very good ka dun nak. But more than that, salamat sa respeto na ipinakita mo sa akin, at dahil ipinaglaban mo din ako. Dama ko ang concern anak. Salamat po.

KHRIZZY. Although lagi ka nilang niloloko na mukhang pusa, advantage yun nak. Tandaan mo, maganda ka. Matalino. Just be careful with enunciation, consonants and syllables. Ang mundo ay hindi isang malaking oratorical competition anak. Your delivery is great as it is; no need to over-modulate. Peace tayo hehe

CELINE. I know it took some time for you to transition, from IT to BAC, but I am very proud to say that you already have. Salamat sa tiwala at pagtitiis, ‘nak. Kitang-kita ko ang pagod ninyong lahat for the productions that you did for my class and every other project we had. Salamat kasi hanggang sa huli, kinakausap mo ako. Yung iba kasi, lumayo na lang ng hindi nagpapaalam. Hindi mo ako iniwan anak. Thank you for that.

RALPH. I had doubts when you came into my office. You were this sly guy who was looking to transfer from Nursing, and frankly, I thought mas bagay ka sa Tourism. Pero you proved me wrong. Nung magsimula kang magrolyo ng kable at mag-konek ng mga speakers, I was impressed. Your knowledge of production skillsets has amazed me time and again. Bawasan ang vanity sa katawan ha? Pogi ka na, mabait ka pa. Tapos maabilidad ka. OK nay un. I wish you happiness in your life.

JANINE. At dahil ayaw umamin si Dexter na in-love sya sa iyo, ako na lang magsasabi dito. I love the way you express yourself, your sarcastic tact when we have our small talks at the canteen. Masaya ako kasi may personality ka na lutang na lutang from the rest. Just continue with it. I have a student working in Korea; tell me if you want to touch-base with them there. Malay mo, makapagtrabaho ka dun.

JEN. At dahil magaling kang mag-split in mid-air, isang bonggang CONGRATULATIONS sa iyo anak. You are a testament to the word “transition” after having managed to fully transcend from BSN to BAC. I am very happy that your Mom decided to shift you to the department. You have blossomed into a good-natured lady who knows what she wants. Magaling ka mag-coordinate, magaling mag-conceptualise, at magaling makisama. These are elements that will get you places in the industry. See you in New York.

DARLENE. Dark and twisted your thoughts may be, you are one of the sweetest people I have ever met. Salamat for choosing to stay and finish the course. Salamat dahil ilang beses kang lumuha para sa akin; pero shed no tears for me anak. I had my faults as well. Hindi po ako perpekto. Pero salamat kasi tinanggap mo pa din po ako ng buong-buo. Hindi lang bilang guro mo, kundi bilang isang tao.

JOAN. Pinahuli talaga kita. Kasi wala akong masabi. Keme lang, ‘nak. Ikaw na siguro ang pinaka-baklang babaeng nakilala ko sa FAITH. And I am privileged to have been your teacher. Maabilidad ka, anak. Marunong ka sa buhay, marunong ka magmahal, hindi ka natatakot masaktan. Tama yan. Alam ko, given the opportunity, malayo ang mararating mo, anak. Sobra.

***

To the batch that started editing movies as early as their freshman year;

To you who have helped me produce FRANTIC and my lolo’s internment video;

To the batch that almost killed me for MAMMA MIA, but called me up at home kahit na nasa gitna ako ng family crisis just to update me with the current situation;

To the batch that became sad when I went astray;

To the batch that was there when I recollected my soul and found the right path;

To Batch Matanglawin, malayo man ang Singapore, malapit naman ang puso ko. See you around, kids.

25 THINGS I MISS ABOUT MY PINOY CHRISTMAS

1. My mom's macaroni salad

2. My dad's humba

3. Gifts my folks used to put in socks under the tree

4. Christmas songs played on the radio starting Sept 1

5. Confessions on Christmas Eve

6. Strolling along the streets of Lipa after Simbang Gabi

7. Drinking till dawn with my cousins at my lola’s crib

8. Videoke madness

9. Sparklers lit when Christmas dawns

10. Running to my lola’s house for the annual reunion after the Christmas morning mass

11. Going around the barangay, knocking on aunts and uncles’ gates, asking for aguinaldo

12. Counting the aguinaldo by lunchtime

13. Playing Pinoy Henio after the clan’s luncheon feast

14. The noisy neighbours who party till dawn and drink like Vikings

15. My lolo’s tuna afritada

16. Sharing cigarettes and moking with my brother and cousins

17. Giving and receiving gifts to and from my lovely aunts

18. My Ninang Ten’s French musings and Ninong Nikko’s discussion of European economics

19. My lola’s smiling eyes whenever she sees all her grown-up grandchildren playing like little toddlers

20. Tita Sony’s lundres

21. Ninang Yna’s Cathedral Jelly

22. Tita Bhong’s prayers over the meals

23. Sleeping in my lola’s bed with Carla and Grace

24. Seeing all the other relatives, laughing at silly green jokes

25. Ninong Romy callng then Inay starts to cry while she laughs.

Iba ang Pasko sa ‘Pinas.

THE PEDANTIC SERIES (Essay 2)
Technology-Transfer and the Real Fruit of the Matter
by Caloy Peña, MDS

If technology then, thus by far bringing convenience, sassy logic and effectiveness in understanding messages, is meant to be exclusive for the privileged few, what use has it to better the life of the common man? Should not innovations and discoveries be meant to abate the plight of the mass instead of exhault the status of the oligarchic class whose power and money is in themselves widening the socio-economic benefits gap?

The few who believe that technology's pricetag is an evil that needs to be blindly accepted are furthering the concept of underdevelopment – lauding the few who have a grasp of the resource at the expense of the many – and then asking everyone else to label it as an innovation that saved the world, bringing forth convenienc, better access and magnanimous technological achievement, when all the while it is as much a marketing scheme as any other service out in the buyer's landscape.

What good then does it bring to us? An assuring statement for the ones who can afford that they are untouchable, exclusive and or unique - to the point that the following has become a tribe in itself, cultish to a point yet denying from itself that it is. Funy how the world – at least those who can afford to back it up – have labelled such technological feats as mind-blowingly pivotal to the current epoch that we have.

Succombing to it all is everyone else who have forgotten the bigger issues – technology-transfer, adaptation to the Internet's vast resource to accommodate the disenfranchised, relief from the disparity caused by technology itself. Funnier still is the fact that we have equivocally labeled such an endeavour as visionary. It may have indeed been visionary to have found better ways to deliver information and to communicate, but there is nothing laudable with widening the ravine between those who cannot afford nor access the technology from those who can. In the end, those who can merely shrug their shoulders and blame everything as a function of economics.

True, it may be such a function, but instead of the snooty reprise of it all, shouldn't there have been efforts to create bridges to makes the ideas available to everyone? We are reminded of the Hole in the Wall internet project in India, where computers were placed on the other side of a wall's hole and then gave free internet access to passers-by, anchoring on man's intuitive nature to discover things on his own.

It definitely is not as bad as it can be, correct. True enough, the advances in technology have paved the way for better access, mobility and informatiion sharing, but sadly, this is true only for those who cnan afford it. What of those who cannot? What then awaits them, as technology after another pile up and are launched to serve those who have greater access, resources and schema? To many then, we see a dimmer future, unless true technology-transfer avenues are created. Question is, though, will anyone actually create the avenues if they know that by doing so, they'll lose mileage, marketing, the following, and more importantly, the Benjamins?

THE PEDANTIC
by Caloy Peña, MDS


I turned off the lights and closed the door behind me. It was a first for tonight, leaving the solace of my room to take a quick puff and buy some juice for myself. The night has succombed to the frivolities of the streets – people drinking to their hearts content as they poured their guts out to women who were more interested in the thickness of their leather wallets rather than the proclivities the men were fantasizing about; the rushing cars and roaring buses that came from everywhere; the neonlights whose hieroglyphics would have been a wonder for scholastic ponderance a mile over.

I walked down the dimly lit flight of stairs, wondering where my feet would lead me tonight, other than those streets that welcomed lost souls for the remainder of twilight, and yet were too vicious, nay, too vicarious to even care about what would happen to everyone else who dared to cross her paths.

I trodded the tiled streets, past the sumptious aroma of steamed everything, trying to focus on the task of the night – to grab a mug of juice and do a few Malboros. I paid the man his worth of rose essence and led myself through the stations upon stations of succulence, asking myself whether it was right or insane to actually feed myself at this time of day. I would eventually accept the night's challenge for a meal, after I have satisfied myself of the sights and sounds of the streets that ate many who have lost their way and found themselves at the fork on the road that led to one lesser evil after another. I thought for a while and asked myself whether I was to meet the same fate. I shrugged and could not care less.

***

It took me less than a minute to work my way through the ill-fated, red-cheeked men and women who lined up the al fresco of my side of the street. The smell of beer, puke and overly-sprayed parfum violated my nostrils but I took little regard. I was not part of these streets to begin with; I was merely passing by.

I lit my first stick and looked around while I took sips of rose essence. From the faint shadows that sat on the makeshift meadow that greated the massive public transport system that scoured this entire island, I saw people – dark people. They were talking in a foreign tongue - too foreign for another foreigner to actually make sense – and yet it all made perfect sense to me. People pass me by, singing tunes they knew by heart, while some played electronic games on their devices that broke them even further from the society that they were once part of but now has reduced them to mere consumers of digitized information that in the first place doesn't matter nor signify any palpable co-insurance to be regarded as a tangent existence.

They sat there by three's and four's, laughing heartily, naming places that were as new to me and yet felt familiar and homy at the same time. I felt drawn into the conversation that sounded too ancient, and yet at a point, the green and red neon lights made more sense to me than their gab.

I stood there, amazed by how disdainly disconnected and yet startlingly affined to everything that I saw – the neon lights, the seated shadows, the noise, the street, the lack of connection of them all to each other and the surprising relation they still fostered amongst all the chaos. Beautiful chaos.

Rooted to the poor excuse for earth that I stood on, resembling more of a sandpit than actual muddy ground, I took a 360 perspective of the details that unfolded before me: women scantily clad in bright hues that were scientificaaly proven to attracted babies because of their effects on their impressionistic brains; men drunk or cheeky or both, siting beside and across women who couldn't care less but had to stay anyway; table cleaners who spent an eternity of the whole day taking about everyone else's rubbish but forgetting that they too had their own to clear up back home; the men and women who alight from public transport, from private vehicles, from their lives just for the night; the giant red lips and the sorry excuse for a champagne saucer that looked more like a goblet; the vindictive eyes that stared at me for a nanosecond, asking themselves why I had a perplexed look on my face.

I jeered at myself and took a few deep puffs on my Malboro and started my way back to the house, passing by the same men, the same putrid scents that violated and yet calmed the soul, the same neon lights that flickered endlessly when you closed your eyes, the same stares that seemed as perplexed as mine. I did not dare look back, lest I intended to be drawn into their invitation. I was not in any accordance to entertain the thought.

Climbing up the stairs have proven as herculean as it was climbing down. The steep incline was a veritable justification for the solace they held at the top of the flight. One by one, I took my steps, counting on not plunging into an immensely humiliating doom of slipping and then bumping my cranium unto every last ghastly step that reminded me of old houses, old memories, old people I knew, loved and missed. It was painstaking to even dare to take the steps, but solace was not offered downstairs. It was high above the third storey; I had no choice but to comply.

***

I closed the door behind me and slid back into the respite of the room I called sanctuary from the bustle of the night's fangs and pangs. I took my last few sips of the rose essence I bought for a dollar something, and started gobbling up the rice meal I paid to the lady who spoke little but understandable English, compared to that other lady I once bought soya milk from, whom after minutes of misunderstanding each other, ended the conversation with a blunt remark of myself being foreign, which equated to being misunderstood most of the time.

The cold air in my recluse calmed me as I started to pen my thoughts. It was midnight, and the pedantic in me took over yet again.

STUCK IN THE OFFICE.
EMAILING A 200Mb FILE FOR THE PRINTERS.

:(

COLOUR WHEEL NIGHT

bed cover = green & mint green
shorts = orange & white stripes
shirt = purple yam
blanket = every other colour in the colour wheel
^ nuknukan ng makulay ang bahagi ko ng kwarto. LOL

WORKING IN AN OFFICE FILLED WITH WOMEN IS SOOO DIFFICULT.
haay :(

hanggang ngayon, pinag-uusapan nyo pa din ako? naman LOL nagtuturo pa ba kayo o tambay lang jan? heheh

oo, na-reject ako sa la salle. kasi ayaw sa akin ng HRD head. pero the dean reiterated that they needed someone like me to handle the production courses.

oo, natanggap ako sa letran calamba, pero ni-reject ko kasi anliit ng offer. pero mind you, 2 days lang ang processing ko. at in 2 days, may contract na ako, signed by the president. at sobrang bait ng mga taga-letran sa akin. pati si ate guard :)

oo, nag-apply ako sa call centres but i turned them down kasi ambaba ng offer.

at oo, nagpapasalamat ako that i missed all those jobs kasi kung hindi, wala ako ngayon dito sa SINGAPORE at nagtatrabaho bilang MAGAZINE EDITOR.

oo, ok lang na pag-usapan nyo ako :) at least nakakabayad nako sa utang, nakakabili ng lahat ng gusto ko at nabibigyang-ginhawa ang asawa at anak ko. so HAPPY pa din ako. kayo ba happy? LOL

Happy birthday, caffeinejunkitsune.
I know; I owe you.

mga natutunan ko dito sa singapore makalipas ang anim na buwan

1.bawal ang malambot ang puso. kakainin ka nang buhay.
2.bawal ang makaramdam ng loyalty sa kumpanya. ok lang magpalipat-lipat ng kumpanya. kasi gawain ng lokal dito yan.
3.bawal ang maging magalang. kasi babastusin ka, kailangan laging maangas.
4.bawal ang sincere. kasi lahat naman hindi.
5.kahit na mabait ang boss, magulang pa din yan. hahanap ng pagkakataon para utakan ka.
6.bawal magtiwala ng lubusan. low crime rates is not zero crime rate.
7.pera-pera lang lahat ang usapan. mas ok na yung boss na naninigaw, basta binabayaran ka nang tama, kesa sa boss na mabait pero kulang ka naman sa benefits.
8.bawal ang mabait. kailangan palaban ka.
9.bawal ang mahina ang katawan. mahal ang gamot. mamamatay ka nang dilat.
10.mag-destress kung kailangan. kasi nakakapagod ang trabaho mo.

#nakakaloka ang singapore

kung mag-freelance ka sa amin, siguraduhin mo kaya mo. hindi yung binabato mo sa akin trabaho mo kasi hindi mo naman pala kaya or dahil takot ka.

tang ina mo. ambobo mo.