"you tire me," said the vixen to the pig.
don't take me to the blue meadows today. leave me be,
and grant me peace through the day.
"as you intend," obliged the lowly pig.usuddenly i find myself re-asking a very troubling question: why am i getting married in the first place? the question struck me a couple of times before, but i've never really bothered to answer it. love? escape? sympathy? longing? belongingness? i dunno what to answer the quandry with. especially now.
we have been having a considerable number of fights lately. mostly about triffle things concerning the wedding- where to live afterwards, the guestlist, the design of the invitations, seating and venue, the works.
just last night, we argued about something again (too obnoxiously simple that i'd dare not say it here). needless to say, words were flung all over. up until the time we slept. this morning, i texted her to make amends but much to my surprise, she didn't want to see me, let alone talk. she told me to give her peace the whole day. that i was deafening, and she grew tired of me. i was faced with the quandry altogether again: why was i marrying her?
things atruck me (all the while walking around the city, jumping from one jeepney ride to another, deciding to whether or not go to manila, grabbing a bus, getting off in the middle of the ride, taking a bus ride back to lipa, and now blogging).
love is not an issue. i love her. but to what extent has that love evolved into? true, things have changed for us. i call it maturation of the relationship; she calls it frigidity on my part. inasmuch as i would want to remain the sweet lil' ol' me, the times are asking me to be otherwise. can a sweet man be a family head? i don't think so.
"suddenly, it strikes you," said the pig. "in spite
of the vastness of this world, you actually have nowhere to go to.
i am nowhere near where i'm supposed to be."
"where are you supposed to be?" asked the bird from nowehere.
"home," the restless swine announced, looking up at the branch where the bird was perched, "wherever that is. it's where i could just cuddle and cry all day. where i could stare blankly at the wall and not be called looney. where someone is there for me, regardless of whoever and whatever i have become no." he said, then said, "i'm lost."
flapping his wings, the bird said, "home, they say, is where the heart is. why don't you follow the beat and see where it leads you?"
disillusioned, the pig replied, "what if the heart falls flat to the floor and stops beating? where do i go from there? do i wait for it to beat again? or lay flat on belly with it?"this morning she said i shouldn't worry. she was still mine, and the wedding will push through. that nothing could change that. but things did, and they are. she seemed as if she was getting married because she was obligated to, not because she wanted to. that then, didn't feel right. not at all. i don't want her to marry me just because the things have been laid out. i want her to marry me because she wants to. because she can bear with the atrocity that i am.
i more saddened than relieved by blogging these things. but nonetheless, at least i have said my piece. whatever happens within the course of the day, in shallah. i'm going to the movies after this. be safe.
